Change.
Pregnant!
A few weeks ago I was late. Not late for a bus, or for a train, or my flight. My period was three days late. Ordinarily, this would not be that striking, what is three days in the big scheme of things?
My period is never late though. When I woke up on the third day to my surprise, no blood, no foul mood, and no pain, my heart started racing a little faster, and all the hopes and dreams that I had started to bury in the past months came rushing back to the surface.
Sure enough, that same afternoon, 5 pregnancy tests later (because we are both crazy scientists with the need for technical replicates and hard evidence) we were pregnant.
This is not a post about my hormonal changes, my cravings, my lack of energy, and the nausea. I came here because it’s where I like to reflect on my feelings and my thoughts on the future, especially on myself, as an individual, wrapped in a bubble where I exist independently of every other being that surrounds me.
And now, I feel like that bubble got a little tighter, and it will be harder in the future to keep the boundaries straight, to keep them intact, because a new little being will surely demand access to it, they will need my full attention and dedication, most of my time, my sleep, my love, and even my money.
So I found myself in this thinking space, who am I again? Who do I want to be? I feel like I should hurry up to define myself before then, before things around me will start changing in a whirlwind. At the same time, maybe because of that lack of energy, I feel like it’s really, totally ok to just sit back for a while and look at the world move; as from a window seat on a train.
Maybe I can embrace this moment, the future months, even years as a lull in my professional identity, in which I will just get to experience such an array of completely new and enriching experiences that I won’t have the time or the will to worry about myself, as in the previous-self, as in the working-woman-who-is-not-sure-of-what-she-wants-from-the-future-self.
Maybe, it is fine if I just take this time to do my job during the day, learn how to knit a sweater in the afternoons, read a book, paint a watercolour now and then, and write. Maybe, it is fine if I do all of this without an ulterior motive, no agenda.
Can I just revel in this present? Can I stop planning for a change? Can I stop looking to find the end of the journey? Can I just be what I am now as I am now and enjoy?
It’s not to say that I want to keep completely still, unchanged, stationary. Quite the contrary, I wish to try new things, learn new skills, enjoy new hobbies and meet new people, learn new languages and read more books, test myself in things I have never tried before, to succeed in something new.
What I ask of myself though, is just to STOP planning. To STOP looking for the meaning behind every move, action, or choice, it doesn’t need to mean anything, it doesn’t need to serve me for any distant goal. I can just ‘do’ for the sake of ‘doing’. No need to think about starting a side hustle, finding my life calling etc, etc, etc. I can just exist in this very day, in this very moment, doing what I wish/need to be doing in this very minute.
We might even die tomorrow, so just making the absolute best of today sounds pretty good to me. And this best doesn’t need to carry meaning, it can simply be lying on the sofa watching the Christmas lights twinkle in the tree, feeling cozy and loved and hopeful.
