Blink,
I fell, felt & screamed,
Throughout these 1.8 decades of a life I called and spanned, It all always seemed daunting, intimidating and monotonous to me, not one moment of my empty life was ever spent thinking it was real, thinking it was easy; thinking it made sense, if I pursued that; for I knew the truth, bitter yet sweet; it never was, never is and never will…be, easy.
What I am, is what I am not — not your typical mundane writer, I do not seek solace in feeding you words, for I shalleth share what I was, what I have been and what I am; through and through my life, In no hopes that you pity me, In only that you feel me.
For so long, I have tried to see the limitations of what the 18 year old mindset was capable of, I;ve always aspired to find limits, but this, this was none like other, this was truly testing what I was, where my ideas saw their end of day, I was tired, alone, sad, anxious and broken to my core, as broken as to a caliber that I always have been, but this time, it was different, the magnitude did not bother me, I was the same level of broken I always was, but yet it felt like that it is all that this eighteenish soul could bear, I felt weak, I felt a pity upon myself, I felt ashamed, betrayed; I had no one, no thing, not a single connection, not a single person left.
I was all alone to my world, I always were, always have been. For I was always told myself that I was destined to BE; not by any other third parties, but by own self, yet I had come to a point where I believed what I said, after all, the way you talk to yourself is very powerful, but I couldn’t be bothered. I’ve always told negative things to myself, not caring for and or at the consequences, what I hadn’t realized was that this time, I had told myself and drowned myself in that lustrous negativity where I’d have to forever be ALONE that I came to the point where that is all that I ever had to believe.
I FED TRUTH TO LIES, FOR THAT WAS MY ONLY SOLACE…
and that is all that I let myself believe, although not true(with question?), It was imprinted on my soul: YOU WILL FOREVER BE ALONE.
Take care reader, for I am not your someone that does not enjoy the solitary, that does not enjoy being left to his own devices, but reader, have I not, have I not realized that had I allowed myself to come to a point where I did not have; ONE, a single of a friend, not one, to talk to, to grieve to, to feel to: to meet up, to talk to.
And so after being swallowed and swallowed and repeatedly being spitted out by the world, so many times over, so many times true, My limit was truly done, my patience was paralyzed. Every muscle I possessed, hurt, pained; every fiber of my being, every nerve I ever tingled, was gone, immobilized and TRULY had I none, a purpose to serve, a soul to comfort.
Thus all the thoughts that forever reverberated within the strings of my confinement, TALKED, they SPAT, they BLURTED. Thoughts and odd detrimental prayers that made me, me of the past,me — who-was; resurfaced, resurfaced so fast, so rapidly, that I failed to hold them back, in forms of ways I had previously, a thousand times over before,
“ I was always meant to be alone, always broken, always tip-toeing from A to B.”
So they painted me red,
WHY NOT END IT ALL? WHY not end it here?, WHY not end it now? and for once, the shadows of red bled so deep, that a soul that once wanted to survive, drowned, drowned among the shadows and;
I……….for, once, listened…………………………
