How To Lose The Freshman Fifteen

The most important thing you will accomplish in college.

1. Exercise.

Make your way to the gym. Find a machine that you like. Take up running. Join a spinning class. If you commit to exercising three times a week, you should lose the freshman fifteen in… 37.5 weeks.

(NB: Metabolisms don’t actually work this way at all.)

In thirty seven weeks, you’ll have already gained the sophomore fifteen anyway. Fuck it. On to the next method.

2. Stop drinking beer.

People gain the freshman fifteen because of all that beer they drink in college! Beer has so many calories. A Blue Moon has… wait, 164 calories?! That’s not even that many! And most of the beer you drink in college is light beer (read: shitty and cheap frat basement beer)! That’s like, 100 calories at most!

Seriously, why does everyone always say beer has so many calories? Blue Moon only has a few more calories than Coke, and it definitely has fewer carbohydrates. Let’s stop talking about beer forever. It’s no worse than most of the other things you drink.

3. Stop drinking anything other than straight Everclear.

There is only one way to get efficiently drunk if you want to be skinny. Everclear. If you can’t handle it straight, you’re a pussy. If you must, you can mix it with a little bit of water and Crystal Light. But do you really need to? Come on.

You could also just put alcohol in your vagina. That’s always a good idea.

4. Relax!

Seriously, relax. Stress makes you gain weight. If you drop all your classes and take up meditation, you won’t be as stressed and maybe you’ll lose those stress-fueled pounds! Also, you won’t be a freshman anymore, so it doesn’t count as the freshman fifteen, does it? It’s the college-dropout fifteen. That’s a totally different thing.

5. Try a cleanse.

Mix twelve squeezed lemons, a spoonful of cayenne pepper, a thimble of honey, six liters of water, and a half-cup of your own tears in a large container (can’t find anything large enough? Try your bathtub!). For several days, consume nothing else. You will feel so good! THIS IS HEALTHY!! I FEEL AWESOME!!!!!

6. Find someone to bang.

I’ve actually found that my consumption of drunk mozzarella sticks decreases rapidly when I have a boy’s bedroom to run off to. This is a true fact. At the end of the night, if I don’t find myself with some suitor or another, I am very likely to find myself in the company of greasy, glorious pizza. Use this information wisely.

7. Investigate the shit they’re serving you in the dining hall.

College dining halls aren’t known for their healthy choices. Your college probably makes the ingredient lists available somewhere, so read up! It turns out, your quaint-sounding country wedding soup contains ”hydrolyzed corn soy wheat gluten protein” and “flavor (with torula yeast).” What the hell is all that? No one knows, but it’s probably terrible poison, and it’s making you fat. Stick to hard boiled eggs and greens from the salad bar.

8. Quit snacking!

You’re just cramming awful food into your mouth at every single opportunity, aren’t you? Stop that. You know that’s not helping. Really. Stop.

9. Snack more!

Your metabolism likes to stay active all day long! You should always be eating something! The trick is to eat something sensible every couple hours, like four cashews and a breath mint. No cheating! Because life is a test and denying yourself is the right answer!

10. Associate your body with failure and shame.

Clearly, the fact that you’ve gone to college and gained an imperceptible amount of weight means that you are lazy, stupid, and failing at everything. Nobody likes you now that you’ve gained the freshman fifteen. You’ll never get a job or get married or live a successful life. You suck. Maybe you just hate yourself hard enough, those extra pounds will melt away.

11. Calm down about the freshman fifteen.

Take inventory of all your thoughts. Ask yourself,

• Have I actually gained as much weight as I think I have?
• Is my health at risk?
• Will I be noticeably happier if I return to my usual weight?

For most people, the answers to those questions will be no, no, and no.

First of all, you probably haven’t gained that much weight, if any. This might all be in your head. The average woman gains 2.5 lbs in her first year of college, which is about as much as a person gains after eating one Chipotle burrito. Consider that.

Secondly, even if you have gained weight, it’s unlikely that you’ve gained so much that you are now noticeably less healthy than you were before. If a doctor tells you otherwise, definitely listen to that person, because they have been to medical school and I decidedly have not.

But you’re probably healthy.

Of course, we all say “health” when we mean “attractiveness.” So I will also tell you this: you probably don’t look all that different. People probably don’t treat you differently. People probably don’t find you considerably more or less attractive. Most people, in fact, don’t give a shit about the size of your body whatsoever. Losing the freshman 15 will probably not change your life.

But, if you’re finding that you’re considerably less happy than you were before you gained whatever amount of weight you’ve gained, go back to step one (i.e. exercise, within reason). Also, eat healthier things, in general. That’s literally it. Your body will return to whatever size it wants to be. Then, feel free to get wasted and eat pizza, if you want. Drunk pizza is really really fun.