Sleeping with my enemies.

Oscar woke me up again, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but he can never stay still that one. I liked this place so much better when he wasn’t here. Why did he have to move here? Just appeared one day, charmed the landlady and boomed he was in. No references, no credit, no nothing. I hate Oscar; he’s so proper, so slick, so precious. He thinks he’s so much better than anyone; well you’re not Oscar, you’re not better than me.

Great, here comes the dumb one, Ralph. I’ll go beat him up; hopefully that’ll make me feel better. Nope, didn’t! Didn’t make me feel better at all. Ralph’s just so dumb. I smack him down and he thinks it’s the funniest things ever. Every time I hit him, he’s cracking up. Why would I ever stop hitting him? He spends his time running after butterflies and every time he ends up face flat against the window. What a dumb-dumb! I’ll go beat him up again.

“Stop laughing!”

I need to eat something, that’ll kill 5 minutes. Oh great, I’m so glad I walked all the way to the kitchen to find out there is no food in this mother!!!

“Ralph! Why did you eat all the fucking food?”

God, I hate Ralph. He’s always eating all the food and he’s so skinny with skinny legs and a fat belly.

“You look ridiculous Ralph.”

I’ll go to the living room then, it’s only 6 am, the rest of the house isn’t going to get up for another 3 hours, I just need to lay down somewhere, maybe I’ll go back to sleep.

“What? What the…”

I mean look at this shit here, there’s hair everywhere — it’s gross — the chairs are covered with hair and they smell like ass!

Wait, what’s that noise? Who’s snoring?

“Ralph, are you snoring?”
“No. It’s not…”

Oh right, I forgot! Slob 1 and slob 2 are here King dummy and queen shaky. Whoever said Boston terriers are smart is an asshole. Slob 1 thinks he knows everything but really, he doesn’t knows dick and he talks and talks and talks, always has something to show you which happens to be nothing at all. And slob 2, I think she’s on meth or crack or something. I mean every time she comes here she’s so shaky and she’s so happy and she smiles and then stops smiling and then smiles again, and then she pees because she’s so happy or nervous, she probably doesn’t even know the difference. God I hate her.

“Hey assholes don’t stretch like that on my sofas. This is not your property. Hey! Hey! Oh sure, go ahead and pretend like you can’t hear me. Stop snoring motherfucker!”
“You know they don’t speak cat!”

Shut up Oscar, I’ll just stare at them then. “Die, die, die, die, die.” Oooh! I’ll get Ralph to beat them up.

“Ralph.”
“What’s up?”
“Slob 1 called you an asshole this morning.”
“What?”

That works every time with this idiot, I mean look at him, he thinks he’s so tough, walking sideways, making himself seem bigger; it’s so pathetic. If I wanted Ralph to jump of a cliff, all I had to do was tell him that the cliff called him an asshole. If only there was a cliff around here.

“Ralph, beat them up already, we don’t have all night.”
“Okay, oh look, is that a butterfly?”
“No, Ralph, watch out, the window!”
“Ouch, that hurt.”
“God, do I have to do everything myself? Ralph, it’s not complicated, you climb on the back of the sofa, take 3 steps to the left, let the dog’s breathing be your metronome. Seven, eight, nine, ten, jump.”

Slap, slap, slap, scratch scratch.

“Done!”

God, this feels great. Let’s get the princess next. Oh good, she’s running, I’ll scratch her ass then.

“No, no, princess, get away from that door. No, don’t pound on that door. Man, that’s not right.”

Oh no, oh shit. Where do I go? I’m stuck in this hallway. I’ll pretend to sleep against this wall. Shit, shit, shit.

The bedroom door opened, slob 1 and 2 run inside and she steps out, in her underwear. She’s sleepy and she’s pissed, it’s 6:05. Of course, Ralph and Oscar are licking themselves on the sofa now as if nothing happened. Losers.

“Minette, outside!” she yells.
“Hmm? I didn’t do… I was sleeping, here, against this wall.”

All right, all right lady, no need to push. The door slams behind me; I barely get to keep my tail on my side of the door.

“Good lady, I wanted to go outside anyway.”

Fuck it’s cold.

“I hate you,” Minette.
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