In both cases, the handwringing is a direct result of believing that cordial interpersonal relationships and self-reported goodwill is enough to extract oneself from the systems that make racism and rape culture possible. So it’s time to stop thinking that your own warm feelings and properly woke policy positions are enough to make you an ally.
For people with privilege — white, male, straight, able-bodied, cis; there are as many forms of privilege as there are oppression — there really is no third option. Unless you’re consciously trying to undo the power structure that oppresses others, you’re sustaining it.
Americans need to stop believing that women do the majority of care work because we want to. It’s because we’re expected to, because we’re judged if we don’t, and most of all, because it’s incredibly difficult to find male partners willing to do an equal share of the work.