Extremely Good (and Bad) Movies of 2017
I don’t have a film degree, but I do have a MoviePass, a lot of free time, and an almost crippling need for escapism. This meant that I ended up watching a total of 53 new movies that came out in the year of our Lorde 2017 (plus a few older ones, too). Trust me, I watched everything. I saw the Tom Cruise reboot of The Mummy. I saw Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets! I SAW A BAD MOMS CHRISTMAS!!! In other words, if a movie came out in 2017, I probably saw it and had a very correct opinion on it. Here are those opinions.
Best Movies (in No Particular Order)
The Big Sick
Colossal
Their Finest
Get Out
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
The first two-thirds of Wonder Woman
I, Tonya
Spider-Man: Homecoming
Atomic Blonde
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Character I’d Most Want to Murder Me, But Like in a Hot Way
Tie: Delphine (Sofia Boutella), Atomic Blonde and Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella), The Mummy
Best AILF
Aunt May, Spider-Man: Homecoming
Best Use of Katherine Heigl Vaping
Unforgettable
Best Batman Movie of 2017 and Also of All Time
The Lego Batman Movie
Character Who Most Benefited from Listening to “New Rules” by Dua Lipa
Rey, Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Movie That Unfortunately Made Me Thirsty for Tom Hiddleston
Kong: Skull Island
Movie That Thankfully Cured Me of My Tom Hiddleston Thirst
Thor: Ragnarok
Best Actor
James Franco, The Disaster Artist
Best Supporting Actor
Krispy Kreme, Power Rangers
Best Actress
Margot Robbie, I, Tonya
Best Supporting Actress
Tiffany Haddish, Girls Trip
Actor We Should Really Stop Encouraging at This Point
Cara Delevingne
Best Use of Jude Law Cutting Off Someone’s Ear and Yelling Into It / Worst Use of an Asian Character Named “Kung Fu George” / Worst Use of David Beckham / Highest Ratio of Women Murdered to Women with Speaking Roles
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Best Pronunciation of ‘Steve’
“Stiv!” (Wonder Woman)
Best Movie about the Battle of Dunkirk
Their Finest
Worst Matt Damon Movie
Tie: Downsizing, The Great Wall, Suburbicon
Best Matt Damon Movie
:/
Funniest Movie that Wasn’t a Comedy
The Beguiled
Literally All the Documentaries that I Watched in 2017, I’m Doing My Best Okay
Kedi and Score
Worst Movie that Still Made Me Cry
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Best Performance at Odds with Okayness of Movie
Ezra Miller, Justice League
Best (Most Neon) Lighting
Atomic Blonde
Best/Only Use of Colton Haynes
Rough Night
Most Overrated Movie
Best Movie to Watch at Noon on Inauguration Day Because Vin Diesel Is a Valid Form of Self-care
xXx: Return of Xander Cage
Worst Movie at Odds with Ability to Be Better
Kingsman 2: The Golden Circle
Best Movie at Odds with Ability to Be Gayer
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Movies You Couldn’t Pay Me to Care About
The Shape of Water
The Post
Darkest Hour
mother!
Phantom Thread
Whatever Woody Allen’s new movie is called
