Extremely Good Shit of July 2016

Hey, July sure was a thing, wasn’t it! I remember that a couple of political things happened, and also probably some other news, but to be honest anything that doesn’t happen in clickable list form doesn’t matter to me. This Extremely Good Shit is suuuuuuper late but, much like Demi Lovato, I Really Don’t Care.

Remember when there was still an element of excitement to the presidential race? When we didn’t know Trump would unveil a logo that looked like it belonged on Sean Cody, and Hillary had yet to announce that her veep pick was a slice of unbuttered white bread? When there could’ve possibly been four X chromosomes on the Democratic ticket? Come, journey back in time with me.

List: Pros and Cons of Hillary Clinton's Top 20 Vice-Presidential Candidates.

And since we’re on the topic of Tim Kaine, let’s talk about something else that’s plain, white, and marketed to women as better than it is: yogurt.

A Brief History of Terrible Yogurt Commercials Targeted at Women

Oh my GOD, I’m sorry, I know there’s been a lot of political stuff in this. Conner O’Malley, a writer for Late Night with Seth Meyers, went “undercover” at the RNC as his alter ego Mark Sievers, a diehard Trump fanatic and #TruthHunter. What follows is fourteen minutes of surrealism, absurdity, and patriotism.

I promised that I wouldn’t talk about politics anymore, but… I’m here to tell you about Fergie, the next president of the United States of America.

Reasons why Fergie is qualified:

• She is a Mom I’d Like to Follow
• She is P-A-I-D (her opponent, meanwhile, is B-R-O-K-E. Sad!)
• She refuses to pander to the lactose intolerant community
• Her vice president is Kim Kardashian

Under President Fergie Ferg, there’s gonna be a lot of changes in America. Blythe Roberson makes some bold predictions about the future of the vagenda of manocide.

Some Anticipated Changes After the Matriarchal Revolution - The New Yorker

There is only one thing I love more than cute boys, and that is endlessly dissecting their merits and failures in order to grade them like so many cuts of beef. Sam Donsky did just that for The Ringer, ranking the three most prominent slabs of meat in Hollywood named Chris: Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pine. (Chris Pratt doesn’t make an appearance because he is a human being with thoughts and feelings, not a 6' blue-eyed walking flank steak.) The final rankings may not surprise you — Marvel never takes an L, ever — but the methods of measurement are delightful.

Who Is Winning the Chris Wars?

Rich Cohen’s masturbatory, nonsensical profile of Margot Robbie for Vanity Fair is proof that men should be banned from writing. But until they are, let’s enjoy the mocking female-written satire that these men inspire!

Behold Your Newest Silver-Screen Sex Goddess, Jane Neighbor - The New Yorker

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