Extremely Good Shit of May 2016
Memes that won’t die, dick-catching anthems, & #FreeBritney2016
I enjoy the month of May. I only like the weather when it’s between 71 and 76 degrees outside, so May statistically tends to be the most pleasant month for me. Spring is a glorious time, full of rompers and outdoor drinking — I believe it was Tennyson who wrote the iconic line “In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of memeable content.”
If I were a weaker person, I’d feel guilty about how much time I spent inside this month while the sun was shining. But I’m not a weak person. I’m a first responder in charge of monitoring the vast amounts of Shit produced in the media each month and disseminating the Extremely Good Shit to you, the readers. Please enjoy the following Shit — I didn’t work very hard on it, but someone did, and that’s what counts, right?
Catherine Cohen is the reigning queen of the Medium comedic listicle, everyone else go home, honestly at this point you guys are just embarrassing yourselves, like please don’t make a big deal out of it, but like, she’s just the tits and you’re not :/
Britney Spears is one of the most successful pop stars to date, a modern living legend, and the most qualified presidential candidate we have in this election. She is also subject to a conservatorship, an agreement that stipulates that “Ms. Spears cannot make key decisions, personal or financial, without the approval of her conservators: her father, Jamie Spears, and a lawyer, Andrew M. Wallet. Her most mundane purchases, from a drink at Starbucks to a song on iTunes, are tracked in court documents as part of the plan to safeguard the great fortune she has earned but does not ultimately control.” The New York Times investigated what caused this agreement and the conservatorship’s ongoing implications for her career and family.
There comes a time in every young popstar’s life when she must create an album about catching a dick. Dangerous Woman is Ariana Grande’s dick-catching album, and boy does she catch those dicks. Her lush vocals and bass licks combine deliciously for some amazing pop grooves: “Greedy,” about how she’s greedy for dicks, “Side to Side” in which she leisurely catches dicks in tandem with Nicki Minaj, “Everyday,” a trap anthem about establishing a daily dick-catching regimen, and “Bad Decisions,” a touching uptempo slice of R&B about her struggle to meld rational decision-making with her dick-catching agenda.
“But isn’t Ariana Grande still a cute, pint-sized Disney princess?” you ask.
To which Ariana replies:
“Ain’t you ever seen a princess be a bad bitch?”
This list isn’t all pop bangers and satire pieces (though there’s nothing wrong with that). Sometimes the Extremely Good Shit isn’t really Shit at all — it’s actually just wonderful news about progress in the fight against domestic violence and the creation of safe havens for pets who are also victims of abusive households.
There’s been a lot of talk (well, okay, a lot of Brooklyn-accented yelling) about the role of PACs and super PACs in the presidential election process. Regardless of your opinion on PACs as a whole, I believe I have found a PAC that anyone who matters would be proud to support. The Can You Not PAC “was started by white men, for white men, asking white men that one important question: Bruh, can you not?” Aimed at discouraging straight white male participation in politics, the Can You Not PAC represents what will truly make America great.
Remember when I ranked Frankie’s EP Dreamstate in my top 10 albums of 2015? Well, Joe Riccitelli of RCA Records clearly took note and signed her to his imprint Golden Retriever. Frankie has since dropped a shiny new video for “New Obsession” packed with Tumblr aesthetics. And most importantly: she even has a Vevo page now!
Danny L Harle of PC Music and Caroline Polachek of Chairlift collaborated on “Ashes of Love,” a buzzy, syncopated tune that’s equal parts lullaby, arcade game soundtrack, and club banger.
The Bachelorette has started up again, and life is so good now that I am getting my weekly dose of Chris Harrison. Kaitlyn Tiffany, the Verge equivalent of Caity Weaver, crunched the really important numbers on the contestants for us: just how many of these human dumpster fires list Dumb and Dumber as their favorite movie? It’s exactly as many as you’d think, considering a contestant LITERALLY USED THE “DAMN, DANIEL” MEME AS HIS INTRODUCTION TO THE BACHELORETTE. WE DESERVE A TRUMP AMERICA.
Mariah Carey literally invented gay people and we all just??? didn’t notice??? didn’t acknowledge??? Honesty Freddie Mercury who??? Harvey Milk who??? Harry Styles who???
FiveThirtyEight investigated why TV shows aimed at women are so poorly rated by men, and the answer will surprise no one: it turns out men literally cannot handle it when something isn’t made for them. Can the Can You Not PAC create Can You Not Studios headed by Shonda Rhimas? Can IMDb only allow ratings by users who didn’t give “The Angry Video Game Nerd” a 10?
Buzzfeed published an incredible, scholarly piece about Blac Chyna’s rise as heir to the Kardashian empire, and if any part of that sentence sounded strange to you, then buddy, you’re in for a long 2016.
Lizzo’s “Good as Hell” is this summer’s self-love anthem. Lizzo is the supportive friend we all need after a breakup, telling us to toss our hair, check our nails, and feel good as hell. She switches effortlessly between rapped verses and belting choruses underscored by triumphant horns and a driving piano melody.
“Boss up and change your life/You can have it all, no sacrifice”
Last month, I outlined why DC should get statehood. This month, Stuck in DC did a much better job than I did.
The new single from Scandinavian pop star Margaret gets 10 points for fire/water imagery, -5 points for usage of “on fleek,” and 100 points for giving us the spiritual successor to Rihanna’s “We Found Love.”
Every time VICE covers depraved sexual fetishes or deadly synthetic drugs I’m like yawn okay whatever… but this month they pushed investigative journalism to the LIMITS with a gripping tale of buffet heists.
Jennifer Wright pulls the curtain back on the horrors of Hollywood misandry.
I can’t copy-paste any sample lyrics from this Awkwafina/Margaret Cho collaboration (for reasons that will become clear once you watch it) but it’s: 1) perfect 2) everything and 3) the only time you’ll hear Soon-Yi Previn’s name dropped in a rap song.
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