“Nice to finally meet you.” She said, waving at the man behind the glass. She held the phone connecting her to the man far from her face. It looked like it smelled weird, so who could blame her. The man behind the glass held the phone close to his face…

I bought new sweatpants online. ASOS. They came in the mail today and I immediately put them on. They don’t fit. They don’t fit just like my sweatpants that I already had don’t fit. The stretchy waistband isn’t stretchy enough, not a “comfort stretch”, it constricts my stomach to the…

An Overheard One-sided Phone Call About A Rash What’s that? Yeah. Yeah — I still got it. Still here on my fuckin’ back. I know I know. I did. Five times, did. Waiting to hear back. Ugh — it’s just right in the middle there. I can’t even scratch —…

I often think about what body parts I could do without. Like, which ones I could lose while still functioning in the same way I am (barely) functioning now. Fingers and toes always go first. Nine fingers would work well, I think. The middle finger of my left (non-dominant) hand…

A Stuffed Monkey Poem The monkey came stuffed Looking used He hadn’t done it Neither had I He handed it to me With wet hands I didn’t want it But I am nice *** It sat in a closet Behind as much shit as possible Keep it away from me I didn’t want it It means something But not to me *** I finally threw it away A waste of a good monkey Weird and unwanted Would have been nice Coming from a nice guy And not him

(so you have to like it) Sometimes I make things for my friends and family whenever birthdays or holidays come around. One year I made a bunch of collages, really great ones in my opinion, and gave them out to my family. I had dropped out of art school a few years earlier so I was…

This guy I know had a great joke in his act about how every time he consciously looked at the clock it was always 9:11. There’s definitely more to it than that but I forgot all details except that one, and I love that one specifically. I don’t know why, I just do. I started noticing the same thing not long after hearing it the first time. Everytime I looked at the clock it was 9:11. AM, PM, you name it. Sometimes it was 1:11, 2:22, or 3:33. Of course, it was 4:20 constantly. You just notice these things once they come to your attention. You don’t realize how much you look at the time until it’s 9:11, every time. It doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to feel right. And it just feels right.

As someone who is very familiar with vaginal bleeding, I know I shouldn’t be freaking out right now, but I can’t help it. In these troubling times I just seem to be waiting around for some horrific ailment to take hold of me at any moment. Right now I’ve convinced…

I just entered an Omaze contest to win a (long sigh) customized Mercedes Benz Sprinter Van, complete with a bed, kitchen, and ample storage space. Of course, the contest was brought to my attention by an Instagram targeted ad. The money I donated in exchange for entry in this contest…