Knowing When is Now

I will have been married for three years this April.

It astounds me how quickly the time has passed, how much has happened and the direction that certain things have grown.

I’ve learned much about myself as a person — where my pressure points are, what I am most sensitive about, what kind of things I prioritize in a relationship. The typical things but also all of this has come at the cost of a lot of other things. My financial solvency has come at the price of working some often time intellectually destructive jobs — consulting positions that have sent me crying home on many occasions. Mostly out of frustration and the fear that I become intellectually duller every year.

I wish this wasn’t the case but I often time do not have the emotional energy for another person. This is a truth that I have been learning how to handle now that I have a partner. How do you get me time when you are a homebody with a partner who is also a homebody? How do you stop bringing work home with you when on the inside you are a dramaqueen who overthinks and overshares and is quick to cry and daydream about floating away to another country?

There are some daydreams that have been better formed along the edges for a few years now. Moving to another state, finding a career within my chosen field that is more hands-on, buying property, traveling abroad — these have begun their transformation into realities, stepping past that silver line of Things To Do on the lists I make in my head.

So how do you go about knowing when is now instead of maybe later?

For me, it’s my impending 30th birthday. It’s an arbitrary number but I’ve always had a fascination for them. When I turned 25, a few months later my first serious boyfriend and I broke up. It was honestly a god-send that should have happened earlier. When I turned 27 I went from making barely enough money to live alone to finally making the kind of money that would allow me the freedom to live, not just survive. So now, my next big birthday is bringing with it a lot of questions about what will happen by then.

So here is my heart list:

  1. Move to another city — one that doesn’t require me to drive, one that has interesting things to see, that will allow for years of exploration
  2. Quit my project management job and switch to more of an analytical, hands-on role instead of one spent babysitting
  3. Travel abroad for 3–4 weeks, so more of the world. There is too much of it to keep in my same safe spot

Fairly typical wants but the year that I turn 30 is almost here and it’ll be my year of now.

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