Pretend for a moment that your best friend is a mischievous cartoon cat, the kind that gets thrown out of French restaurants by the neck for trying to steal hot dog links. Because hot dog links are totally something you find at French restaurants.

Now pretend you’re an airplane pilot. If you’re an airplane pilot in real life, pretend you’re a pharmacist. In fact, just pretend you’re a pharmacist. Forget all that shit I said about cartoon cats and airplanes.

You’re counting pills. Thirty pills for Stuart Lafferty. Ninety pills for Gretchen Milford. Eighty-seven pills for Delores Chesterfield.

How many pills for Randall McDandercrombus?

Knowing the answer to this question means you’re prepared for “The Coming Systematic Refraction”, at least according to a group of odd ducks in Phoenix, Arizona who call themselves Tetradiagon. When asked what exactly a systematic refraction is, James B. Hunt, co-founder of the group, says simply, “It is systematic and world-wide. It is refractive, and you’ll want to be indoors when it arrives.”

Zachary Dean Glover and Kevin Von Krol agree. “Yes, refractive.”, they say. What the fuck.

When pressed for details about this apparent astronomical event, Hunt says, “You’ll want to be at 51 West in Tempe on Friday, March 31. This is where we gather to monitor the green glow for refractive activity. Foxx Bodies, Kill Your TV, Hillbilly Devilspeak and Depressive will perform live. Visual artists Rhondi Reardon, NXOEED [a stupid, unpronounceable pseudonym Hunt uses to distinguish himself from the former governor of North Carolina], Zachary Dean Glover, Kevin Von Krol, Sierra Joy, Sean McArdle, and Zada Kartan. Live art by Secret Winoes and PHASE. An appearance will be made by The Tetradiagon Temple of Commerce, and also some things that were basically lies I put in the press release to make it sound like these shows are booked by idiots. Something about a leech circus and “Hot Dog Steve”.

So Hot Dog Steve isn’t real?

“No, he’s not real. Where would I meet a Hot Dog Steve?”

So basically, if you were really looking forward to meeting Hot Dog Steve, you’re shit out of luck. But the rest of it is all true, insists Hunt.

Here’s the event page. Thanks for reading, suckers.