America Needs to Elect Ron Swanson President
Everyone agrees that the major-party options for the 2016 presidential elections aren’t great. A statistic that’s been parroted just about everywhere shows that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two least popular presidential candidates of all time, and between their social-climbing reputations and the generally poisonous rhetoric surrounding them after hard-fought primary battles, it’s easy to see why. The situation doesn’t get any less bleak when you look outside the Democratic and Republican parties, with third-party candidates like Jill Stein and Gary Johnson generally polling well below 10% and virtually guaranteed not to make much of a dent in November’s general election.
The issue with third-party candidates isn’t necessarily the third-party part of the equation as much as the candidate part, though. Is it possible that a candidate with a big enough following and staunch, well-defined, easy to understand beliefs might be able to steal this most stealable of elections? One who speaks to the issues people care about? One who people go out of their way to watch even when he’s not appearing on any network? What I’m asking is, shouldn’t we be pushing to elect Ron Swason from beloved NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation?
He likes breakfast
Ron Swanson is on the record as loving breakfast. He famously said there’s never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food, which means our fragile economy would never be in danger of falling back into a depression. Eating breakfast is also very important in staying mentally sharp, and since Ron eats several breakfasts a day, you know he’s always running at peak mental capacity. When dueling with world leaders from all different time zones, having a president who’s always at the top of his game regarding alertness is very important. Also, isn’t breakfast food great? We all love breakfast food! He could incorporate breakfast food into his policies, which would probably be good.
He’s the kind of guy you can have a drink with
If there’s one quality a president absolutely needs to have, it’s the quality of people wanting to drink alcohol with them. This is the reason George W. Bush got elected twice, it’s the reason people so desperately wanted Joe Biden to run for the Democratic nomination, and it’s a quality Ron Swanson has in spades. Ron loves his whiskey, he can really party when he gets loosened up, and he’s absolutely full of that great late-night wisdom that makes for great, memorable conversation. If anyone could call up Vladimir Putin, drink some whiskey with him (because clear alcohol is for rich women on diets), and bury the long-standing US-Russian hatchet once and for all, it’s Ron.
He would reduce the budget deficit
Ron is a libertarian and, as such, strictly non-interventionist with regards to foreign policy. He was also always giddy when opportunities to slash spending in Pawnee arose. With the United States’ national debt in the tens of trillions, a president who would significantly tighten the nations fiscal belt might be just the thing to help ease our reliance on China. Not only that, but that non-interventionist policy would reduce defense spending, and would finally bring our troops home.
He wouldn’t get bullied by Congress
Ron was always used as the Parks Department’s secret weapon in budget meetings, sitting in cold, intimidating silence until other departments gave into Leslie Knope’s demands. One of Barack Obama’s biggest issues was his inability to strong –arm a hostile Congress into passing any of the legislation he and his party wanted to get through. A president can’t be effective if he can’t manipulate Congress when need be. Ron wouldn’t have this problem. All he would have to do would bring key members of the House of Representatives and the Senate into the Oval Office and stare at them until they got uncomfortable enough to pass whatever it is he wants. What would he want to pass with this power? Probably stuff that is good, and not stuff that is bad. Don’t we want laws that are good passed, and laws that are bad not passed?
He can keep a secret
For years, Ron lived a double life. By day he was Ron Swanson, head of the Pawnee Parks Department. By night, though, he was Duke Silver, suave sex-symbol who serenaded middle-aged women with his smooth jazz. Ron kept that a secret from nearly everyone for almost the entirety of the show’s run. Hillary Clinton couldn’t even keep her emails safe, while Ron loathes computers and probably would never email anything. Ron’s ability to keep America’s secrets out of the hands of her enemies would be a huge advantage in an age ruled by digital information and anyone can be hacked at any time.
He loves America
If there’s anything Ron Swanson loves as much as breakfast, it’s the United States of America. He had to be dragged kicking and screaming to London, he mailed a letter saying “F*ck you” to the entire country of Canada. He said that history began on July 4th, 1776, and that everything before that was a mistake. It’s important that a presidential candidate outwardly and exuberantly loves America, because if they didn’t, they might do a half ass job. Patriotism is a well-known predictor of presidential success, dating back to George Washington. Washington fought to free America from England; Ron Swanson would fight to free America from the things America needs to be freed from today, which there are.
He plays the saxophone
In the 1990s, under President Bill Clinton Americas economy was booming. You know else that was booming? Clinton’s bitchin’-as-hell saxophone is what. Ron also plays a saxophone. President + saxophone = good economy.
America needs a hero. Someone with all the good qualities that a president should have, like the ones listed above, and none of the bad qualities a president should not have. With his love of America, drinking, and breakfast, Ron Swanson is that hero. So who cares that he’s a ficiotnal character who doesn’t exist and whose personality and beliefs were created to be funny? Do the right thing. Write in Ron Swanson in Novemeber, and Make America Pawnee.
