Folks, we’ve got ourselves an NBA shaving scandal, and I know just the man to figure out whodunnit.

By P.C. Trill (@trillconian)

Takes are free. Always unwarranted. Any comments, questions or concerns, @ me, or cash me online.

Last night, we the faithful followers of the NBA witnessed the biggest scandal of 2017. Yes, this is bigger than Kendall Jenner saving the world with a can of Pepsi, bigger than United Airline’s forcing a young girl to change into “appropriate,” clothing or removing -beating up- that Doctor from the flight. It’s even bigger than Putin scoring 7 goals two days ago. James Harden finally shaved- not his beard, but POINTS in the Western conference finals.

As a sports bettor, I couldn’t be more disgruntled with Harden, but as a blogger I need to be unbiased, so I’ll leave all of my contempt in the Hell or Highwatermelon I’m drinking while smashing these keys.

Right after the game, we had NBA analysts coming at Harden from top ropes with the power takes:

Now Chris is from Portland, so at first I thought, Well, MAYBE this guy just smoked too much of the funny green stuff, or maybe he had too much sauce. Maybe he had 1200/300 on the ML and fired this tweet off post game in disgust.

But boy was I wrong. It seemed like Haynes wasn’t the only NBA analyst that was fired up over last night’s elimination game.

According to one pretentious pundit, 5 -that’s right 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!- hall of famers texted him saying the Beard was drugged, drunk, even went as far to say that someone else put his jersey on and played in his place.

Stephen A. was in peak form post game, firing from the hip as usual. Glad to see that ESPN kept the actual reporters, and let go of all of the hot-mouth breathers instead. Who needs screaming slander all day, when you loudly spit actual FACTS at 11:20 P.M. ?

He said someone must have ‘slipped something into his drink,’ and that ‘this was something that was going to haunt the Beard’s career forever.’ You’re right though Stephen A. Harden was probably roofied by some groupie, like a pathetic Frat boy.

IMO, hopefully this 39 point loss haunts the beard enough to invest in a razor. By next season, if Harden still has the beard, he is going to have to tape it to his leg like Mutombo. The Beard is done, it’s time for a rebrand. Beards> NBA championships IMO.

And folks, that brings me to our solution this morning. Who do we call to in this traumatic time to get down to bottom of this point shaving scandal? I’ll give you one guess and it isn’t dollar shave club. It’s not Kendall Jenner, or the Ghost Busters.

ANSWER:

That’s right folks, James Comey. He was just about to release -sorry Pope- the MOAB on Donnie Trump and Putin, until he was abruptly fired. This beardless wonder is unemployed and thirsty to get a W. Plus, look at that face, the guy obviously knows a thing or two about shaving. He probably goes straight edge razor, something Harden knows nothing about. Comey’s face is soft as a babies bottom.

He’s also a pro. Our fascist leader was nervous of being accused by treason, so he outed Comey before he could spill the Mexican jumping beans. Donald Trump really knows how to reward a guy for winning him an election.

Comey should call Donnie and thank him though. Jimmy Comey couldn’t get the money from the government to investigate treason, but the NBA commissioner Adam Silver will be sure to fork over the cash faster than. Always Dreaming’s. Derby time.

With all of the money Harden probably won at the West Gate last night, Harden and Ross will buy Sanitori, Italy and end the #BowWowChallenge once and for all.

P.C. Trill, sober(ish) and out.