I actually didn’t fill out a March Madness bracket, thanks for asking

Thanks for asking but this year I actually decided not to fill out a bracket. What’s the point? First of all, people like me, who know a lot about college basketball, never win their pools. It’s always some middle-aged woman who just picked the teams with the better mascots or the prettier colors, am I right? For us well-informed fans of the game, it’s nothing but a waste of money. But I’m not bitter or anything haha.

No, the reason I didn’t fill out a bracket this year (and again I wanted to thank you for expressing your interest) is that, to me, it cheapens the experience we’re all tuning into the March Madness games for: rooting for upsets, baby. I don’t want to root for a 1-or-2 seed to beat a 16-or-15 seed just because it might help me win the money that Miriam from accounting who wins every year and probably knows more than she lets on and is just playing dumb always wins anyway. Upsets are what I want. All the good players from the good teams? Get them out of here post-haste. My dream is for two terrible teams with bad players to meet up and play for the championship, because they beat all the good ones.

Wanting upsets isn’t a winning strategy, though, except for fucking Miriam, Miriam tends to always pick the right 12-over-5 upsets and somehow called that Michigan State upset last season, allegedly just based on Middle Tennessee State being a “nice combination of color and mascot name,” which, what does that even mean, if they were called the Black Raiders or the Red Raiders instead of the Blue Raiders she might have lost for once, but just serendipitously they’re called the Blue Raiders so she won again?

It’s definitely not that I’m mad that I’ve never won, just to get out ahead of your question. I actually did win a couple years ago, but it was at my girlfriend’s middle school up in Canada, and the school is closed now and everyone who went there is dead so unfortunately you’ll just have to take my word (which is bond) for it. It’s also not because my favorite team didn’t make the field this year or because I didn’t pay much attention to college basketball this season because my favorite team is bad or anything like that, by the way, and it’s honestly insulting and probably bullying that you would even possibly think that, it’s because of the upset thing.

In summary, not filling out a bracket is the only pure way to watch the NCAA tournament, because your rooting interests are not clouded by arbitrary things like wanting to finally beat Miriam and prove once and for all that I’m the smartest sports boy in the whole wide office, just by seedlings given out by a committee to teams I’ve never heard of before. I also didn’t just completely blank on filling one out until it was too late, maybe that’s what happened to you, what’s with the third degree? This conversation isn’t fun anymore, although it was very nice of you to ask at all in the first place. Go underdogs!