Jerry Colangelo Is the American Dream

In perhaps the most impressive act of absolutely not giving a fuck I’ve ever seen in professional basketball, Jerry Colangelo has stepped down as Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers:

He took a job for less than half a year with the express goal of getting his son a job, and once he accomplished that mission, he quit. He’s literally the ancient snake who caused Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and caused the fall of man, but it’s impossible not to respect that level of single-mindedness.

From the moment former GM of the Sixers and current GM of our hearts Sam Hinkie stepped down and Jerry’s son Bryan was given his job, it’s been clear that this was the plan the entire time, at least to those who can think for themselves. That engendered a lot of hate from the vocal faction of Sixers fans who had gone all-in on The Process, and rightfully so, because by being a lazy, nepotistic piece of fossilized shit, Colangelo was actively, almost maliciously doing a bad job with the influence and power afforded him. That line of thinking, though, comes from a view of the situation that is completely incompatible with the elder Colangelo’s own.

For Jerry Colangelo, this was never about basketball. If he’s ever seen the Sixers play and accidentally begun to form an opinion on any of the players as individuals or the direction of the team as a whole, it was by mere chance. He’s already left his mark on basketball history as an owner and as the architect of the wildly successful current USA Basketball culture. So instead of attempting to add to that legacy by being a part of yet another innovative, forward-thinking team, he decided to be a good dad, to make up for the time he missed when he actually cared about being a positive force for his employer. Getting his unemployable buffoon of a son a position that a monkey banging on a keyboard could do successfully is his Field of Dreams moment. The only difference is that nstead of throwing his son a baseball, he’s throwing him a basketball team. The metaphor is made all the more appropriate by the fact that it will be better when the he is dead.

Isn’t that the American Dream, though? To be so successful that things are better and easier for your offspring? To improve your station in life so much that you don’t have to give a fuck what people think about you? To work only on your own terms? By taking advantage of confirmed yellowbellied invertebrate Joshua Harris to bequeath an enviable gig to his incest-child* and immediately stepping down, that’s just what he’s done. Even the gross, strategically indefensible act of nepotism that was the whole point of the last couple months is something everyone should strive to be in a position to do.

So yes, from the perspective of Sixers fans, he’s a decaying asshole who has thrown the organization into far more embarrassing upheaval than even three years of purposeful losing ever could, and as such we are right to hate him. As a person, a father, and an American, though, he is something to aspire to, and any hate can only be rooted envy. At least he’s done us the favor of making his sanctimonious defenders look as foolish as Sixers ownership:

*unconfirmed, but I’ve yet to find any statements flatly denying the claim

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