The 5 Greatest Trump-Specific National Security Threats

by Boobie

Donald Trump is all about traditional masculinity. It’s why he tries to dominate handshakes, brags about grabbing women by the pussy, and mugs like a five year old when he gets to dress up like a troop. That commitment to masculinity is what fueled a lot of his loud online support. In the same way that poor whites tend to vote Republican, despite their policies being harmful to their own interests, because they aspire to live in the elite class that is actually served by the GOP, the alt-right is populated mostly by faux-fashionable nerds who like Trump’s brash old-school male id-ness because they aspire to be strong men who guys envy and girls love in spite of themselves.

Besides the blatant xenophobia and flag-waving, that’s the core of Make America Great Again. Let’s go back to the time when men were men, women were women, those were the only two genders, and women stayed at home to take care of the kids and cook dinner for their husbands. What’s ironic about Trump’s supporters (and, because he’s more impressionable and has roughly the same number of functioning brain cells as a lump of play-dough, Trump himself) putting so much emphasis on strength and nationalism is that Trump is absolutely wetting his pants trying to impress Vladimir Putin and Russia.

It’s incredible that the man can hold “America is the best nation is the world when we have traditional values” and “I hope Vladimir Putin comes to my tee-ball game tonight so I can show him what a good strong boy I am” in his rotting brain at the same time; it’s perhaps more incredible that people drawn in by his brash arrogance can pretend he’s not, but then, that kind of stubbornness in the face of all evidence is exactly the sort of thing they admire in him.

Now, I personally don’t think of this Russia stuff as that big of a deal, outside of the chance that it might mean Trump gets impeached. Russia hurt the DNC’s chances in the 2016 election because their e-mails showed they were shady weirdos and everyone got to see it, not because they tampered with vote counts or anything as tangible and worrying as that, and whatever Trump told that Russian ambassador probably wasn’t of national emergency-level consequence.

The fact remains, though, that Donald Trump gave classified information to a Russian ambassador, just in small talk, to impress him. The President of the United States told state secrets to just some diplomat to impress him, because that diplomat happened to be Russian. National security isn’t my area of expertise, but that seems like a red flag. Given that, and what we know about Trump, I’ve put together a list of individuals (non-Putin division, of course) who must never be allowed to meet with Donald Trump, lest he decide that America’s safety is less important than having a high-level Russian like him.

Alexander Ovechkin

Ovechkin’s place on this list is entirely determined by one specific and unlikely scenario: the Capital winning the Stanley Cup. If Ovechkin, a strong Russian hero, comes to the White House to meet Donald Trump as a champion, Trump would probably let him be President For The Day for the entire duration of the Caps’ visit, with full presidential power and access to the nuclear football. Ovechkin is so loyal to Russia that he’s considering defying the NHL and going to represent his homeland in the 2018 Winter Olympics; with that kind of power, he could bring America to its knees in just one afternoon. Luckily, that’s unlikely to happen, because the Washington Capitals are the Washington Capitals.

The Talking Bear from the Cleveland Show

Is the Cleveland Show still on? I can’t imagine that it is, but it’s not like continuing to run the worst Seth MacFarlane show would be in the top 10,000 worst things Fox as a company has ever done. Anyway, from what I remember, the show had a talking Russian bear, because when you’re Seth MacFarlane, “thinking” and “subtlety” aren’t things you have to do much of. If a cardboard cutout of that talking bear, with MacFarlane hiding clumsily behind it and doing the character’s voice, were to wander into the Oval Office, Trump would likely soil his pants even worse than he does on a normal day and immediately order an airstrike on contested areas of the Ukraine.

Mikhail Prokhorov

Mikhail Prokhorov, for those who don’t know, is a Russian billionaire oil oligarch and the majority owner of the Brooklyn Nets. Prokhorov is the kind of billionaire Trump aspires to be, the kind who rides jetskis with topless models and has probably absconded with entire Russian ballets like Bruce Wayne in the Dark Knight. Prokhorov is everything Trump wishes he was, similar to Putin but in a different lane: powerful, rich Russian, probably has sex with girls named Ivanka. My prediction if Trump were to meet him in the White House: Trump would give him a permanent bedroom and allow him into every meeting, and Prokhorov would peer pressure Trump into making every decision favorable to Russia in one way or another.

Dolph Lundgren

Dolph Lundgren isn’t Russian, he’s Swedish. He has no reason to sell out America to Russia. As far as I know, his only tie to Russia is that he played Rocky’s nemesis Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, a KGB agent in a Bond film, and probably some other Russian characters during the Cold War era. However, Donald Trump’s heyday came in the 1980s, when he was the real estate kind of New York, owned a professional football team, and his diet and exercise habits hadn’t yet rendered him absolutely disgusting to behold. And therein lies the problem: there are worms eating holes in Trump’s syphilis-riddled brain. He would probably not see Dolph Lundgren see Ivan Drago, older but still tall, strong and handsome, and either immediately try to hit the man himself with a nuclear bomb in self-defense or turn coats completely and hit the “send Putin every classified document and nuclear launch code” button he had specially installed on Inauguration Day. I’m begging you, Dolph: stay away from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Of course, another major threat besides these particular individuals would be

Any Dipshit With a Russian Accent

When you’re as cowed by another person or culture as Trump is, it doesn’t take much. Just any old dipshit who can do a decent Russian accent or impression. Huh. Maybe all those useless comedians can actually actively Resist after all.

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