Westworld Theories From Someone Who Has Never Seen Westworld

The first season finale of HBO’s Westworld reboot was a 90-minute affair that had the internet buzzing into the early hours of Sunday morning. I was told by someone at work that when I watched it, *makes hand motion around head that seems to imply that my head would explode, but does it slowly enough that it’s possible the person only meant my head would grow like the Grinch’s heart, which actually would be a preferable result to it exploding*. The praise was universal. Unfortunately, even though I fully intended to do so when before the show premiered, I’ve never seen an episode of Westworld.

Not watching Westworld unfortunately means that I’m left out of the discussion and the theorizing that goes along with a show as (allegedly) confusing and ambiguous as Westworld (allegedly) is. The same thing happened when Lost was a phenomenon and my friends were making their way to online message boards for the first time to see what people thought was really happening and why. Well, it’s bullshit. I may not want in on the buzz enough to actually watch every episode and think in-depth about them, but I still want in, damn it. So here are my Westworld theories based only on what people have said about it on Twitter and in group chats. Don’t be surprised when many if not all of them are correct.

Westworld Is Actually a Radiohead Music Video

One of my cousins is very, very smart, an extreme libertarian, and a huge Radiohead fan. These three facts are all related, in that being an extreme libertarian and a Radiohead fan both require the ability to build an argument to yourself that flies completely in the face of instinct and common sense (Note: hey, cousin that we’ll call Mike! Love you man).

A music video is generally used either as a promotional tool or an act of artistic expression.That’s common sense. music is generally meant to be enjoyed. That’s also common sense.

Because Radiohead hates everyone who enjoys their music, though, it follows that they would use a convoluted television show that doesn’t use their full songs and seemingly has nothing to do with them at all as a promotional tool and/or medium of artistic expression, which is why it’s plausible that Westworld is nothing more than a very long Radiohead music video. What does it all mean? Nothing. The entire show is Thom Yorke attempting to lose every fan he’s ever had and continuing to fail through the sheer confirmation bias of those fans.

The Westworld Was Actually In Our Hearts All Along

Art at its highest level does more than just fascinate or entertain the masses. It does both of those things while also revealing something about the human condition, be it universal or specific to an underserved and under-discussed demographic. Westworld, it seems, is art at its highest level, and the demographic it examines is People With Artificial Hearts.

Westworld, you see, actually takes place within a normal elderly man’s artificial heart. It’s similar to how the first Men in Black movie ends up being about the retrieval of an entire universe that is hanging decoratively from the collar of a common house cat. It’s a metaphor that that the technology powering life-saving medical appliances is even more complicated than we assume.

We think that artificial hearts, for example, are complex plastic, biolelectrical-powered mechanisms, which are as comprehensible to the average person as them being powered by an intensely realistic simulation wherein people go to Old West theme parks with sexy robots. Westworld tells us that we should not take technology and the people whose hard work and research make it possible should not be taken for for granted. That’s especially important as that technology advances and becomes more affordable, meaning more people will be relying on things hat don’t understand to keep them alive day-to-day.

Westworld is Trump’s America

People who visit Westworld are visiting a simpler but more exciting time, when there were cowboys and old-style saloons and the government didn’t get in the way of a good time with their interfering rules. I’ve heard that people rape the robots, which is a complicated moral issue since they’re not actually people.

This is exactly what Trump’s more fervent voters want: a land where the government doesn’t interfere with their lives and where they can treat people badly because that same government — whether officially or unofficially — doesn’t recognize them as people. This is only possible in an expensive luxury theme park, which represents the pre-election optimistic dream world of voters between election night and inauguration; darker elements the represent creeping realism as a candidate begins backtracking on campaign promises.

Westworld is Game of Thrones

A big budget HBO show based on a previously existing property where there are lots of boobs and violence and people have very elaborate theories about where everything is leading? I mean, “Westworld” and “Westeros” are basically the same word. I’ve seen this before. Just substitute “White Walkers” for “robot cowboy gigolos and the two shows are nearly identical. However, I do think that there’s one major thing HBO has learned from Thrones that it can apply to Westworld earlier in its run.

I think that we will start to see fully grown dragons by season two. Dany’s plotline in Game of Thrones got far too bogged down due to budget constraints, but those budget constraints wouldn’t have existed if more people were tuning in sooner because of the possibility of dragons running amok and breathing fire and generally tearing shit up (and by shit, I mean people). In fact, I’m making an official prediction here: dragons will make their presence in Westworld known in a big way by the end of the season two premier. Bookmark this.