‘Free now’: exploring being freely empty
Free Now is the track #10 from Gracie Abrams’s new album “The Secret of Us”, and this is my experience on my first listening.
I remember last Sunday when I was just laying down in my bed, then i started to play one of the songs in my Spotify playlist.
I was feeling a sense of freedom when i listened to that song.
It starts with a simple beat, even it will make you feel like you’re in an empty auditorium, just by listening to this song, and it’s all dark. Or you and your drinks in a dim light after you broke up with your best friend or significant other, there’s nothing in between.
From the lyrics, you can tell that this song is about “being sad” after a breakup. To put it simple, that’s the first impression that i got when i first read the lyrics. But i like what’s written there:
“You openly admit you’re far away from healing”
Remember that one evening in your bedroom where you just laying down in your bed after a long day, then a snippet of memories back to you. A fond one.
Then suddenly the wave of longing crashing, coming in, the realization that it’s just a memory struck you. The person didn’t last longer than that snippet, they’re no longer in your orbit anymore.
(Notes: I personally don’t know if what she means from this song is a romantic, platonic, or any specific relationship. But i think it’s just up to us to interpret a song, an art.)
Okay anyways, back to the topic…
Remember those day when you just having a great day, great memory, even well, not that great sometimes. It’s just a boring afternoon that you spent with this person after class, going to a cinema to watch some random film just because you want to spend time with them, a stressful exam day that you spent reading pages filled with theories from Sigmund Freud or Abraham Maslow with this person in their bedroom.
Whatever it is, it surely holds a special meaning — if not, then why it suddenly appears in your memory when you got your free time after work? You feel it — and that’s why it’s written in you core memory.
All this time, I always thought that detaching, breakup, and all those goodbyes are just a phase. I didn’t get it yet — that it’s a lifetime process, until now. That song that I played on Sunday evening made me think that memories will haunts you for the rest of your life. But wait, don’t assume yet, this can be a good thing .. (well, despite the nightmare).
On the bright side, the memories of saying goodbye to the ones that close to you will teach you the reality of life. It humbles you down. The only thing that will be constant in this life—is the change itself. So yeah, based on this principal, i tried not to get too attached with things, or a person. Not only I think, but also, I feel that I can control my feelings well — so it doesn’t affect me after the post-break up.
And then this event happened.
While in my denial phase, haha, i think that nope no I’m not missing them it’s just because I’m tired these days, my emotion isn’t in a great condition — it’ll pass.
But then I think again, why I have to fight myself like this, and why do I have to feel shame? In fact, I do miss them, I do miss their presence, and I do wish them to be with me again somehow. Like, who’s I’m trying to impress, it’s just me and my thought, right?
So as the song goes by… I let my guard down, and I experience the whole new world that I’ve been trying so hard to fight. I let go my defense mechanism from my thought, and I started to be present — I feel my fear, the truest form of me.
And the song goes by:
“I know that you’re removed, I can feel it when we talk. You start to let me in, but then you shut it off.”
The first thing that I noticed is that how lonely, rejected, and hurt I was when this person that plays a significant role in my life didn’t want to be open and honest with me. It’s painful enough to not be seen as someone who is trusted enough to share all of your good and bad sides. Especially when in a close relationship the things that plays an important role are trust and honesty.
And when it lacks that important meaning, the bond seems to fade, and finally you have to take that one hard decision. The decision to distant yourself for a while, to clear your mind, and trying to make the red threads over the mess.
And it goes again in the song, which a line that I personally really like:
“I swear that I’m not mad at you, but I can’t share your bed now”
With that single line, Gracie successfully captures that exact feeling when you feel rage and disappointment toward someone that hurt you bad, but still have the amount of love to stay and be patient. As if “I don’t know it’s complicated” feeling was written over a single line.
We’re denying from being angry, because we’re not. That’s someone that we adore, that’s someone that we fight for, that’s someone that mean a lot for us, so deep down we know we’re not mad at them, in fact, we can’t get angry easily at them. So when we said “I swear I’m not mad at you” we know we really mean it.
But again, they hurt us too so we feel disappointed by their action, that act of not trusting us enough disappoint ourselves, and it hurts us so much, and that’s why we said, “I can’t share your bed now”. We have emotional conflict; we don’t think we can bear it if they’re around. What’s the point of being in front of us when we feel so distant around them? We need time to process all of this, to reconcile the issues, and to control our anger towards them. So if we finally have the chance to talk, we wouldn’t say things that hurt them back.
With that one line, it really can express our complicated feeling. This song just really gets it.
Aside from the lyrics itself, as we move into the chorus and bridge you can feel that flow of emotion gradually shifts.
It starts with a simple beat, much calmer, make you feel at ease. That calm and relaxing beats slowly turns into a wave of anger, shame, and brutally honest. As what she was written in the bridge:
“It’s a pain that I caught you at a bad time
It’s a shame that I memorized your outline
You were straight up with me, you were so kind
But I knew what you knew, honey, great minds
It was harsh ’cause I lost what I wanted”
We can sense that she knows she remember how fond she’s of that person, but the reality that shifts apart from her expectation starts to hit her and she couldn’t turn away anymore. Yes, that lingering feelings still there, she knows that. Then she realized that the relationship isn’t what both party really wants. And it does leave a deep scar in her. She didn’t reject that; she accepts it.
I also notice that she describes her significant others as someone who’s good, not in a hateful way, but not in a brutally God-like. It’s feels very human and honest. That, “But I knew what you knew, honey, great minds” really speaks about that. And despite she knows this person have good qualities, she also recognizes that she lost what she wanted; the relationship was unfulfilling for her.
“And I showed no restraint, it was something
I was scared of ’til you made me love it”
Though the bitter feelings came up, she still admits that something change in her. She was afraid to be “free”, to “show no restraint” towards something that she truly fond of, but with them, she finally learns to get out from the cage, and be free.
Though she lost them, but this person is also the same person who makes her fall in love with freedom.
After that intense wave pass, the song finally slow down again in the outro. As she said:
“If you find yourself out, if there is a right time
Chances are I’ll be here, we could share a lifeline
If you feel like fallin’, catch me on the way down
Never been less empty, all I feel is free now”
In the end, the song turns into hopeful phrases. Despite the anger, rough realization, and rage that she throws in the chorus, she decides to close this song in perks of hope. Gracie state that she’s willing to be there for this person if, well, maybe, just maybe, her path crossed again with them.
What I like from the song is, it gives a powerful meaning of being liberated from a situation that may seems perfect and great, while in reality you get hurt too for staying there. It’s raw and honest, it also teaches you to let go what’s not good for you. Even though at the beginning of the song we sense the “empty” feeling of being free, at the end of the song Gracie wants us to have a slight of hope and comfort.
Sometimes, we need to let go of things to see more.
Let go of things that we can’t control. Give us space to be “free now” to learn, to experience — even to feel the freedom of emptiness, and other thing that scares you. So when the chances are there, we’ll be a better version of ourselves, and for people around us too.
