Yea, uh-huh, right, yep, absolutely. You know this person. Hell, you’ve been this person. The person I speak of is the Non-Listener. Vacant. Glossy-eyed. Unconnected. Symptoms of the Non-Listener, the Already Heard It, the Who Gives A Flip.

In my humble experiences, I’ve found that the Non-Listener doesn’t mean to non-listen, they just simply can’t help it.

The Non-Listener is genuinely disinterested. They tried to be interested, bless their heart, they did. For that brief, three point six seconds after they finished speaking. The problem lies in the fact that you speaking is not them speaking, and they only care for them speaking, so henceforth, they’re gone.

The Non-Listener, however, was not thrust into this world as such, but rather developed into one over time. At first, you see, they were the Self-Talker.

The Self-Talker is exactly that, one who chooses to speak of and only of him or herself at all times to all people in all places in all situations forever and ever Amen.

The Non-Listener is the caterpillar to the Self-Talker’s cocoon. There is no butterfly in this analogy, unfortunately. The Self-Talker whirls and spins, dazzles with rhetoric and after they’ve gloated their gloat, in a triumphant finale they ignite into a ball of flames, all like ‘Lookit me, I’m flames.’ Those flames eventually die down and only ashen soot is left of the Self-Talker. But alas! The show’s not over yet. Just like the mythical Phoenix, the non-mythical Non-Listener sprouts wings and soars from the rubble. All while you’re speaking.

See, the Self-Talker’s said their part, they’ve spun their yarn, their quilt is complete. They’re done. They’re now content to become the Non-Listener, for they care not and nonly-listening is example of that caring-not.

They’ve finished talking about themselves for now, so hurry, hurry and get in whatever trivial drivial you’d like to set upon their ears, for they’re only waiting for their next moment. They won’t wait long, though, as evidenced through the rapid eye-flicks, toe-taps, feigned laughter, and of course, the ‘yea’s, uh-huh’s, yep’s, and absolutely’s.’

But alas! I would not merely describe to you the problems of such individuals in today’s society, but also suggest a few measely ways to battle them whence contact is made!

Might I suggest beginning the onslaught by hurling a curve at the Non-Listener. Test the extent of their non-listening waters, if you will.

My house died.
Yep.
Hot pants yoga western.
Oh, yea. Absolutely.
You are the devil.
Uh-huh.

The Non-Listener is so fixated on what they’re about to give word-birth to that their ears have sealed shut, their eyes singed close, their mind strays, the vortex of their universe undulates deeply inside of them, for they are about to bestow upon you their secrets of living. Say whatever you like to distract, but in most cases, it will be too late. They’re lost. I suggest halting your speech, opening an umbrella and preparing for a torrential downpour of word rain. The battle is one.

Sided, that is. One-sided.

Actually, it’s no-sided. You don’t bounce topics off of a wall when you speak to a Non-Listener. There is no-wall, therefore, there is no-side. It’s a no-sided conversation. Simply a vacuous hole of infinite and dense nothingness, as far as the mouth can speak.

A sadder day there never was, the day an Even and Just Conversationalist such as yourself comes across the likes of the Self-Talker/Non-Listener. I’m saddened for you and for them. And for me and for us. We’re all around somewhere, having to listen-in on an elevator or an adjacent booth at Luby’s.

Just remember, if you truly want to be victorious on the field of Conversation that day with your run-in with the Non-Listener, you mustn’t relinquish control, you must stay the course, and fight fire with fire.

To the Self-Talker become the Non-Listener and to the Non-Listener become the Self-Talker.

Yes, it solves nothing.

But why is that your fault? Why do people always want to be the solution? I find that being no better than anyone else makes it easier to sleep at the night time.

There’s less pressure.