Goldđź’›

& 10 months of not watching any movies that Cree use to watch or that Amarí watched tonight Cree chose to watch zootopia 🖤👼🏽 it’s so weird watching these movies that we haven’t watched because they remind us of HER & just how they were things we did with HER! I see how tough it’s been on my son. What beautiful memories he has of his “tister” I’m grateful for that.

While sitting outside & just really thinking about how NEXT MONTH is already going to be a year. Anxiety hits hard sometimes when I think about it. It’s just a number but for me ITS A WHOLE YEAR OF MY LIFE that I had to cut short and give back what was borrowed to me. My whole life I borrowed and those who know me know I don’t return on time. Those are silly things. I even giggle at the thought of that actually! Having to actually give back the time I had with my daughter is more than tough. I’m not quick at getting upset when others have compared their loses or just certain things to MY loss. Because I get it they DONT understand. I wouldn’t wish them to have to ever! What a time in my life that I’ve had to seriously survive! Everyday is a new day, but every night is also another struggle!

No matter how many deep breaths i take or how many times I reassure myself that “it’s going to be okay & I am going to get through this” A piece of my mind just keeps pushing me but it’s my heart that’s broken…

I’ve been blessed & knowing that God has my girl now living in a place far beyond my imagination, brings such happy to my heart. I wasn’t ever ready, never would of been. I would never have believed this would be MY life at 27! It is though. I own it because, the things it has taught me and the faith I carry. I have my light at the end of the tunnel I wanted so badly. Just sometimes I step back in the dark and fear what’s ahead. Knowing I still have another child to live for who needs me daily…THATS what helps me go! It’s taken God to get me through it!

What has kept me honestly pushing is Cree I’ve said that a hundred and 20 times & I’ll continue to say it more and more. It’s the absolute truth. & I’m still selfish sometimes when I think about how I just can’t anymore. The pain of this day & night is so tough. More than ever! I know, One day he will grow up before my eyes and I really do hope he understands “mom was just in a battle and she had to take steps to win the fight!” & “she did!” That’s the positive I want him to understand. Knowing i absolutely loved him hard too. EVERYDAAAAY! 💙

Even in the darkest hour I still lean on the Lord.

The fact that I can’t wait to know why me… I am stronger than I think 🖤

Clearissa

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade