Let life teach you, Let it inspire you 🧡
The other day I was working and while doing my job I said out loud “ready set goooo” instantly I said in my mind “hi amari” funny because that’s something her Dad and me would say to her as she would run to the couch and throw herself on laughing she thought it was the funniest thing. The memorys, its such a happy moment for me when those memorys pop up and I get to feel like it was her just saying hello to me. As I’ve come along my journey I’ve gotten to experience good and ugly. I’ve gotten to realize that my faith is going to get me farther than my fears. I’ve battled some tough situations even when they were with myself. I’ve been my toughest fight. I’m trying to build myself from scratch. The life I always knew I’ll never get to live again, even if I could I don’t believe I’d belong their anymore! I’m glad I didn’t know what I know now back then because I wouldn’t have gotten to grow as much as I have in today’s time. Finding bravery and strength to move on. It’s been the toughest to build my new universe my peace. I can look at myself and smile even through the pain! I’ve held onto the world when all I wanted to do was drop it. The fact that life has gone on even after the thrill of living was gone such a song I listen to now and the lyrics actually mean something to me I didn’t have the thrill for so long to live it was gone soon as my loss of my child I couldn’t bear to thing what life was going to be. The day my child died I remember eventually falling asleep I woke up about a hour later and looked over next to me realizing I wasn’t in a dream and asked out loud “how am I going to do this!” I can never explain the heartbreak I endured. I look back on myself at those times of hardness and where I am today and I can’t help to believe if it wasn’t for God my faith and Cree I couldn’t of did this. I lost myself at one point, I had no control of my mind I was far gone I just needed my pain to quit. I am so proud of myself for the strength I held onto and allowed myself to keep swimming and believe I wasn’t meant to drown. A purpose of my life was their and I wasn’t meant to break.
I’ve been trying to soften my heart and be better with certain parts of my life. It’s such a rewarding feeling to know I have someone who looks up to me even through the darkest days still believes I’m his best. I look through his eyes and see such a love that makes me want to strive. I know God made him just for me and that’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I watched a little baby girl today and I caught myself smiling and thinking “wow I remember my girl that small” I’m so blessed to have the memorys anytime I’m sad I can play back in my heart all the special happy moments I shared with Amarí. Giving myself credit for how far I’ve come.
My heart is meant to know a beautiful love, I don’t have to doubt that. Being in a wonderful spot with myself is my goal I want to be that mom m son already believes I am. It’s such a beautiful feeling to feel beautiful in such little eyes looking up to you. God knew exactly what he was doing. I’m learning to love life and learning to rebuild what was once taken from me and that’s my faith. I can’t wait to reach the light and truly believe in my heart “I did it, conquered all that was meant to break me.” Here I stand, tall beautiful and worthy.