Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

We wonder about the motive. What could bring this monster to such a conclusion? What clues do we have to quickly label the situation so that we can easily compartmentalize the information? Mental illness? Radical religious views?

What does this mean for my day-to-day life? Am I safe? What is my next step? Should I be worried? Can I help?

We pray for the victims and their families. Our thoughts go out to them in this time of sorrow.

We’re told that using these events to push a political agenda is wrong. Despite the fact that rational discourse is already minimal, the highly charged emotional moments are somehow even less legitimate times to reflect on and talk about what the ideal should be. Don’t criticize right now, it’s time for mourning.

We’re told not to hate — that hate is not productive. It’s giving in to the ones who want to control with fear. Inciting internal divisions to continue the conflict and misery. We must be together to be strong — unite to overcome.

But you know what? I just need to hate for a little while.

I want to hate the people who are in a position of power but don’t (or won’t) channel these overwhelming emotions for positive change.

I want to hate the people who focus on using one small piece of the puzzle to impact an entire group.

I want to hate the people who spend hours trolling others online just for trying to connect and make sense of the world.

I want to hate the individuals who are so eager to kill others just for being different.

But I know from experience it’s not in my nature to hate. I’ll see things from different points of view, trying to be rational. Pretty sure I’ll just end up consuming more and more information and feeling sad mostly. I’ll read the developing story and go back into a numb trance, assuming nothing can be done to stop the next time. I’ll dislike the system and wish it would change, while being a spectator, feeling that my voice won’t move the needle. I’ll sleep and go back to work tomorrow, letting the mix of sadness and anger dissipate as I avoid GoT spoilers and figure out what to eat for lunch…

Fuck that, I’m going to hate a bit longer.

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