I’ve been carrying shame around my desire for pleasure.
In many ways:
1. Pleasure as general happiness:
there’s a part of me that believes it’s wrong for me to be happy
when others are suffering.
That I have to pay for my “privilege” with my joy,
as if that helps anyone.
2. Pleasure in Sexual desires:
I remember being aware of my sexual energy from a very young age,
it was very present and I enjoyed it.
At some point society colonised my womb energy.
I learnt that masturbation was shameful and disgusting.
I learnt that if you embody your sexuality at all,
you are a hoe
and are therefore not entitled to respect.
I learnt that all men were going to try and fuck me.
I was warned by all my male friends
that no other male friend
would actually be my friend,
and that in fact they were probably all ‘just’ trying to fuck me.
Maybe what they meant is that they wanted to fuck me,
and maybe they wanted control me
because on some level they wanted me to themselves
but felt threatened by my other relationships with men.
Maybe.
It’s hard for me to write this because In my head
I see people mocking me for thinking that someone could actually like me,
and not just be trying to fuck me.
Wow..
This is heavy,
old baggage that is no longer mine.
God’s been trying to show me that I am so completely worthy of love.
I am wealth itself.
I am a Goddess of Love.
I am allowed to have desires,
I am allowed to have all of them fulfilled,
without apology,
without exception.
I desire to experience Love manifest in every moment.
I desire to share my love deeply,
blend my love into others’ seamlessly,
worship and be worshipped.
The deep soul love,
expansion of the purest kind.
Levelling up Love,
that turbo charge Love
that melts all your barriers,
bursts you open
and cuddles you through it.
Divine Love embodied.
I’ll know when I feel it.
I don’t need to chase it.
Or look for it.
Or wonder when it’s coming.
I trust in Gods timing.
My only job is to love.
Not search for love,
or analyse
and decide who is
and is not
worthy of my love.
My job in every encounter is to be love.
It’s hard to know how love would behave
when fear has made so many neural pathways in my brain.
I’ve been seeing how many filters I put my being through
when I’m around people.
How much I have made my life a performance.
How I’ve been doing me more than being me.
Trying to calculate how am I “supposed” to be in any moment
according to what I can try to decipher from social cues and group-think.
Fear of judgement.
One of the filters I’ve put on my “men” lens is objectifying myself,
being hyper aware of my body and facial expressions.
Feeling one on hand,
scared that someone might be attracted to me.
Feeling like that would put me at risk,
turning me into a victim
and him a predator
..because I don’t feel safe,
I don’t feel secure in my own boundaries.
I don’t feel sure that I can really say no
when I mean no
and know that will be respected and not violated.
On the other hand,
feeling like “everyone has to be attracted to me,
because if they aren’t attracted to me,
that would mean I’m not beautiful enough,
or worthy enough,
and I need their attraction to validate me”.
Fucked.
So this mental set up creates situations in which my physical body
responds to men in particular ways -
losing my true self because fear of being abused,
rejected,
or abandoned.
Only once I trust that my boundaries won’t be abused
will I feel safe to be my true self all the time.
But, who can secure the safety of my boundaries
if not myself?
What has stopped me feeling like I can’t set my boundaries in the past?
It was me not defending my boundaries
ie. not creating energetic boundaries,
because I felt that I’d be abused or rejected if I did.
I now know I am not a victim.
I am all aspects of everything.
I am not just “nice”.
I am not just “an attractive woman”.
I am thunder.
I am lightening.
I am a wolf bearing it’s teeth at the moon.
I do not need you to like me.
I do not need you to want me.
I am free.
I am a Warrior but I’ve been giving my attention (energy)
to things a warrior wouldn’t.
I’ve been feeding my own idea of my own weakness.
I am not my body.
I am strength.
I am power.
I am love.
I am everything
