The pressure to plan is so mad. These are some thoughts I’ve been having lately.

If we are on this planet, which we are for this limited time, in this universe that is so expansive my human brain cannot even comprehend. We must all be connected by something. I believe that that something is love. I believe that there is something that created this. All of this incalculably complex, intricate, amazingly designed thing, in which we can exist in a physical reality. And I believe that that creator is God or Love, (I use the words interchangeably) and that we are all connected by that. That thing, that force of energy that created us, that lives inside of us, rests in us, and it is a thing of such beauty and just.. complete perfection. That energy clearly knows what it’s doing. The only thing that is not doing what it should be and is causing massive suffering and destruction is human beings, and the choices that we make, because of our free will. Whatever it is that created this, and even allows this thing to exist.. (because just as it randomly arrived — in a big bang apparently — it can randomly disappear).. whatever it is that is allowing this existence to occur, is much bigger than me. It is much bigger than my limited mental human capacity for understanding. Much bigger than my physical body that is so tiny.. so limited. If not even the history of the universe but the history of human kind alone was represented by a clock face, my body and my existence wouldn’t even represent a second.

I believe that that presence is inside us, but we speak over it all the time because of our fears and our ego (I use those two words interchangeably too). I feel like what I am trying to do at this point in my life is.. while everything around me is telling me “pressure is on, you need to start making plans, how are you doing to make money?” as well as the pressures of wanting to achieve things and “how am I going to achieve things?” and all the things that my ego wants and just everything.. I’m trying to take the time to silence myself enough to hear that voice which is God/ Love/ Intuition. Whatever it is, I think knows better than my brain does, but I can’t hear when my mind is being loud and shouting at itself and being horrible to itself (which it does when i let it, and has done for most my life). I need to just love it, and allow it to exist just as it is, and to not force anything on it, but to just allow myself to just be still enough (not even allow myself, more like force myself {lovingly [trying to]}) — enough to be able to hear and just feel.

I’ve been having conversations with my heart. Because I think it is in the heart where God rests, so I’m trying to check in on my heart — asking like “what are you feeling? what is it that you want? what do you want me to do today? does this feel right? does this feel right? does this feel right?” and trusting whatever it is that feels right in each moment. Like right now, I have the option of doing anything..what feels right? what is my heart telling me? I’m just trying to hear that. Then on top of that I am trying to recondition myself into habits that are more conducive to hearing that. So, I’m trying to do yoga and I managed to do a full hour for the first time in like a year today (because every time I sit down to do it I get impatient and I wanna run away after like 20 minutes). But I’m making myself sit with it and see it through because I’ve purposely not made plans and I have the time and I may as well just finish it, because otherwise I’ll probably just waste the time scrolling through twitter or something, I’m not going to be productive anyway. So I’m just going to see it through. And if I am that resistant to seeing it through, then asking myself “why? why am I finding it so hard to sit in silence with myself? why am I finding this so difficult?”. Not that that is to beat myself up about it, but just to look at it and see that there is a lot of resistance there that doesn’t need to be there. Everything I’ve been told and everything I’ve heard from every different spiritual source all say stuff about meditation — about being silent with your self and speaking to God, or praying. So ok, that doesn’t feel good to me and I want to run away, but does that mean it is my instinct or is it my fear? I don’t think it is my instinct telling me to run away from the yoga mat, I think that is my fear. So I am going to stick it out, because I know that that’s good for me. So I will make myself do that — lovingly. In the faith that it will aid me in being able to hear what my heart has to say.

Honestly, the stuff that I have been learning in the last month or so, just about the nature of existence, (shout out to Marrianne Williamson) has humbled me. I don’t know what the point of my existence is, I don’t know why it is that i’m here. And I know that I’m going to die at some point and I know that I am going to suffer. I know that I am going to lose everything that I have and everything that I love. And I know that i am going to be so deeply challenged and that everything I feel like gives me security will be shaken at some point in time because … life is challenging, and life is suffering, sometimes. But since I am going to have to go through that anyway, I may as well make sure that I am living for a purpose that is worth dying for, and is worth suffering for. And I just feel like my brain alone cannot determine what I need to do and where I need to go. And it is only by being lead by God, being lead by love, being lead by my heart, that I will be able to be used for a purpose that is bigger than me. So in order to do that I really really need to love myself enough that I can trust myself in each moment that every decision i’m making is one that i am making for the highest good. By loving myself, by trusting myself, by just giving myself the benefit of the doubt, not challenging myself so much, and just allowing myself to believe in myself. And the more I do that, the more I will want to do things that are good for me, because I’m thinking things that are loving for myself rather than fear based. Because fear based thoughts and thoughts of lack (that I am lacking), will only create fear and lack. Thoughts of love will create more space for love.

It’s the exact thing that spiritual teachers talk about all the time but naturally you understand differently at different times. I’m realising more how it really is all about the present moment. How the past is just a weird thing that exists in our imagination. And we are going to lose all our memories. As soon as a moment has passed and we are remembering it, we are just creating a story — a partial reality, that doesn’t exist beyond being an idea in our heads. And the future is also just an idea in our heads. So then the only thing that actually exists is right now, and so what I have to do is to love myself right now, and to trust myself right now. And breaking down what love is.. love is appreciation, love is understanding, love is honouring, love is nonjudgmental, love is unconditional, its not based on an idea of perfection. I am as perfect right now as I have ever been and ever will be. And I am as worthy of my love, unconditionally and without judgement, right now, because that is the only time I can have it. There will never be a time when we will feel like we are deserving of it if we do not think we are deserving of it right now — in the only moment that will ever exist. Anyway yeah, that’s what I’ve been learning. Love ❤