I’ve delayed this enough I just need to set a damn date

I’ve said I want to do a muay thai fight for months now, at the beginning of the year I was supposed to do it in March and each day that has passed I keep on pushing it away. The reason is simple it scares the shit out of me.

I’ve never been an athlete before, hell the last fight I was in happened when I was in grade school. I’ve always been the small kid, the small guy and have never had any physical confidence at all.

That is the psychological mountain that I seek to climb. Sure there is a ton of work I need to do to get battle ready, from improving my muay thai technique, to working on my endurance and getting faster and stronger.

That will be hard, as hard as anything I’ve ever attempted but nothing compared to trying to break the hold that fear and shame have on my psyche.

They have a vice grip hold on who I am and what I think I can do. It is so hard to believe you can when inside all you feel is that you can’t. I can say I can all I want but in the deep, dark regions of my mind, those unconscious parts that whisper in the dark is that you can’t, you aren’t worth it, it’s not possible.

The hardest part is that as a diabetic I have to find a way to push myself like never before but never at the expense of my health. One of the reasons I hate running is because I’m always concerned with the potential for lows. I don’t have an awareness of getting too low so that keeps me from pushing it to the max because the risk is always there and I will probably not realize it until it’s too late.

I just have to create a plan for myself and stick with it. I need to run, maybe instead of doing the Buddha run I should just do the temple steps like a run, focusing on running like you are doing rounds. The Buddha run is 3km to a temple and then up and down the steps, it goes up to the hills and can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. I’ve done it a few times and it’s exhausting. Another thing I need to do is 200 kicks on the bag just to condition my shins.

I have to work on my speed, power and stamina by learning to move my body as a single unit. My overall technique could use work and I will need to find a way to go beyond exhaustion. That’s just the beginning of the madness.

I know that I must face the dragon and the dragon isn’t the one in the ring, its the one in me that stops be from believing I can succeed. That is what I face and although preparing for the fight will be harder physically than anything I’ve ever done that is nothing compared to getting beyond the fear to earn the confidence and belief that I’ve been searching for in the midst of a life to be lived.

My motivation is not just about fighting it is about believe, no matter what happens if I can find a way to believe then that is where I will begin. Maybe I’ll have to fake it at the start but if and when I get to the fight I can be confident I did everything in my power to be ready then winning is irrelevant and I’ll have made it to the top of the mountain with anticipation of what lay at the next goal to conquer.

What I have to do now is give it a date that is the only way I can make it feel real. There is no other way, at some point I just have to say to hell with it and go for it. It is a risk reward scenario where the reward has nothing to do with winning or fighting but with rebuilding a sense of self and that is worth every effort because it has the capacity to ripple into everything I do.

So the date that makes the most sense for me is August 21st or 28th, it’s more than 6 weeks away. It comes after a year of doing muay thai and it feels like the right time. I can’t do this on my own, I can’t afford to do privates at the gym, so I’ll need to find people to spar with, will need to get hurt without getting injured and just spar daily along with running and working on what I can bring into the ring.

I’ll want to give up every day but I can’t and will not give into my fear, I’ve done that too much and come too far to let me be imprisoned by my own misgivings and negativity. I can’t do this alone but I have to take the first step and set a God damn date.

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