Owning the Fear (on the way to the Ring)
As I seek to enter the mauy thai ring, learning to own my fear and use it for the better
It is easy to say you want to go into the (muay thai) ring and fight when no one is watching but it is much different to go out and put it down on paper and be on the card.
I’m close to doing just that and have been thinking about what makes me want to get into the ring, why it matters to me and how this is more a psychological fight than just a physical one.
I am scared as shit about doing it. I need to get more hurt but not injured, I have to be confident I can win, not just compete, I can’t look back, I can only look ahead.
There is a lot of contradictions and balance when choosing to overcome your fear. What about fighting scares me? Well getting injured, which conditioning will help to mitigate.
Then there is fearing that I don’t do the gym and everyone who helped me proud. The last one is that I feel like I wasted my time after it is all said and done.
The training I’ve been doing has been more fitness than for fighting, pads, kicks and the occasional sparring session will only do so much. You have to dig deep to find the reason why you want to enter the ring.
I have to remember a mantra I kept repeating to myself when I was trekking through the Himalayas “I let go of fear, regret and hate. I banish the words I can’t because to give them voice is to have already lost the battle.”
It is easy to be cynical, to be negative, to not take responsibility. I’ve done that a lot and there is nothing I can do (unless I can jack the TARDIS or DeLorian) about that.
There is something I can do for the “right now” and the tomorrow that will come but that I will never reach. It is to turn fear into fuel, it is to not use negativity and my cynicism as cover for fear but own it outright and have it be the beacon in the black.
So first thing’s first I have to heal, my foot is a bit fucked so I can’t do anything at the moment until it heals. I can tell Bee and Co. in person that I want to fight is the red line, the moment once I give those words voice then I am going all in.
I’m going to have to find some sparring partners that will destroy me without killing me, some like Mark scare the shit out of me. Then there is Arcangelo who will enjoy giving me the pain.
When I was punching the bag the other day I had to repeat to myself 4 things “power, speed, efficiency and control (or accuracy).” I have so many gaps in knowledge and skill its a wonder if I can ever fill them.
I have to stop that line of thinking and see it as there is a ton I will better at by the time I get into the ring. Watching the girls fight was inspiring in a lot of ways, if they can do it, so should I.
To own my fear I have to see it just as a challenge to face not as that knot in my stomach. It is about understanding the purpose of fear, to keep us alert and ready when danger presents itself.
In my situation fear is good, I should be afraid but not so afraid that I say no but so I understand what I am getting into and to motivate me to move past it so that instead of monster chasing me in the dark, it is the edge of the blade that I bring with me into the ring.
When I was in Nepal repeating that mantra it was about letting go of my negativity and recognizing the potential available to all of us. The other part that I said to myself was “I live in hope, belief and the possible.”
Before I started wandering I was so alone, so empty of emotion and filled with self doubt and hate. I can’t say that my fear is gone but I will say that this fight for me isn’t about the physical fight alone but the battle I face within to beat back the doubt and never surcome to the wisphers that surround me.
So I can talk about what I will not give into all day but instead about my first ever muay thai fight let’s say one last thing about what I have on my side.
I believe I have all the weapons in my arsenal to win this fight in part because of the great people I’ve met and the gym I train at (Charn Chai Muay Thai).
That I can remake who I am today to be a better version of myself tomorrow. Finally that this is my beginning, informed by my past but not defined by it, where the best is still to come because I believe….because I know…. because I will make it my reality.