21 September 2015 — Ragrats
Today I awoke and I lay on my side and opened my eyes and felt so miserable — my first thought was literally “oh God I don’t have any joy today”. This is a pretty strange phenomenon usually. I’m not used to this and I hate this feeling, so in the pitch blackness of my room I squeeze shut my eyes and ask God ok please help me live today for you, please help me feel better about going to school today.
Breakfast was tasty with some home-made banana chocolate bread and lunch (home-made steak sandwiches yey) was packed and ready to go
Then I parked the car and the morning started out great. I met one of my favourite inspirational doctors walking to TTSH and wished her a belated Happy Teachers’ Day because she really deserves multiple wishes.
Then I got to school and here I am after school and regretting the day because I was not very loving toward one of my friends today. I didn’t have patience for the things being said — the content, the amount, the volume, the tone, all of it was frustrating and meaningless
And i can’t help but feel bad because I rationalised this earlier — thinking I’m sure some of my most Jesus-worshipping missionary friends do the same; I’m sure this is fine, and underlying that I was also thinking this is human, anyhow. Everyone does it, for someone.
oh my God that was the biggest mistake. Because to be human is to be tainted, I just remembered. I forgot.
What if the first thought that comes to my friend’s mind when people are talking about Christians is — Oh but Jean can be pretty cold and mean and unpatient once in a while. Some days she doesn’t even bother to meet your eyes or offer a smile. Nothing too different about Christians, honestly
Sorry God sorry sorry sorry. Sorry God I am really, really
God may my folly today not set back your plan for your wonderful child. Please show your love in ways other than me.