Burn and bleed —8th-11th July 2015

In the rest day between Bali and Malaysia I spend some of the day with 爷, reading to him and cutting his nails

And in Sitiawan where my grandma stays we return to escape from real life. I spend the days with one hand in Mamak’s and one hand holding a book, and in the night I fall asleep reading

In between appointments to pick up kombiang and catching the daily durian truck bringing in fresh durian mom and I set about cauterising some skin tags and I realise in the past few days I have held my granddad’s blood and my dad’s burnt flesh in my hands and it is morbid but also real, and I think I am starting to grow up.

We are at the hospital one day and there is a lot going on, blood and phlegm and not understanding makes everyone uncomfortable so Granduncle has fear in his eyes for me when suddenly he grabs me by the shoulders and looks me in the eye, and asks me, “Are you sure you can handle this kind of life – Jean – are you sure?” And I am alarmed because he has seen me grow up and if he thinks I am unprepared then suddenly I am not so sure. The days of crying while I try to study for summatives and the days I can’t focus on what is in front of me at all – only seeing death only feeling grief. So in the past two months maybe I am less sure, actually. But it’s not about me yes?

Wei Xiong asked me a long time ago the same, on the boat back from a dive. It is night and the sea spray is on my face and in my hair and I told him that I don’t believe God plays games that way. If I am meant to be a doctor surely He shall grant the strength. He has sustained me thus far – He will take me to my end.

The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise Him – Exodus 15:2

One day at a time I will follow you.

M3 boleh

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