Disturbed

19 May 2016

feels like quite an apt word for the way I’m feeling

(I didn’t even realise till now!)

  • Not able to sit still for more than a coupla minutes — always googling whatever new phrase or condition that tickles my fancy (instead of studying real stuff), reading a new BBC news article, watching old SNL videos, checking my email, reading (re-reading) all of your mediums and blogs
  • Not able to handle silence (constantly listening to Charlie Lim) (this guy wow)
  • Ex-lover’s birthday today. How weird it is that a few years ago somebody was my day and but today I struggled to remember his number (back in the days of Sony Ericsson or Nokia phones I memorised the numbers of everyone important) I knew it in the end though without a doubt
  • Boys confuse me, still
  • Unsettled — so many things to pray about that I say “I have been praying about” but not really.. it is only literally in those few seconds I’m saying those 5 words that I try to reach out toward Heaven with my good intentions. Forgive me
  • Philippines Philippines Philippines Philippines: reverberating around in my mind I don’t know where to go, who with — first it was a refugee camp in Greece, and then maybe Poland just to chill with Gosia and meet the family. Maybe Cambodia, but I’m sick of it. I’m sick of who I am when I’m there. Then maybe it was Indonesia, to breathe in dank air and live alone
  • Now it is the Philippines — but do I need to go? Do I want to go? Should I go in a medical capacity (cheaper might learn more “useful” things and skills, form more “useful” relationships — only the truth here) or alone, with OM.. to be exposed to different kinds of “help”, see some different sights, explore God and the way He works in glorious new ways
  • But really all along I forgot that the correct question is does God want me to go? I’m always so caught up with what I want, what way spending a bit of my precious holiday will make me feel better about myself, will grant me more rest
  • all that is a little bit of bullshit. I wish I wish that my only desire could be what God wants. Try to decrease — for to live is Christ
  • “Help” as I’ve seen it being given has so many drawbacks that are left behind for other people to pick up the pieces when we leave. I don’t quite know how to answer the questions everyone (everyone! EVERYONE) asks about short-term humanitarian help. I’m afraid that the only non-satisfying reply is that the limitations themselves should not hinder us from trying..
  • I think I miss doing mission work as a kid. A little less long-term thinking, a little less ability to think beyond your own perspective (real! Scientific evidence. Brain is physically not developed to do so). “Helping” has less implications (to the helpful Self), meaning more enthusiasm and sincerity. The belief that what one is doing has more benefit than harm is a precious thing. I fear that I no longer possess it, and have discovered that the only realm in which that is remotely possible is spiritual.
  • we fight a battle that is otherworldly. I’m finding that to go out trotting the globe I struggle first within, with ambivalence of worldly proportions. Maybe I will find I should not go any place at all.
  • Shucks.
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