As the proud husband of a very hardworking wife and proud father of two hardworking daughters, I am somewhat taken aback by your story. I have always told the ladies in my family to never expect for anyone to reward them for their efforts and that if they feel they deserve something (a raise, promotion, recognition, etc.) and they haven’t gotten it, then they need to speak up and if necessary demand what they feel is warranted for their efforts. This is basically the advice that my dad gave me and what I have practiced throughout my life.
The focus of my advice was that a woman needs to speak up, be clear about what she wants, demand what she wants if necessary, and not take any less than what she feels she deserves even if that means going someplace else where she will be equally compensated. I have also made the statement that one of the reasons that women are generally paid less than men is because they don’t ask for more compensation and/or demand it if necessary, as a man would.
However, after reading your story, I feel that I have done a disservice to the women in my family. I don’t believe that I have seriously considered that women in many settings are forced to play by different rules than men, rules that put them at a disadvantage and may severely limit their control or options. I haven’t strongly considered that a woman’s request or demand for equal compensation may fall on deaf ears simply because she is a woman, or worse, that the “ears” may be attached to a man who has ulterior motives about her because she is a woman. Further, women may face the same attitudes regardless of where they go so they can’t realistically go someplace else that will compensate them equally.
My advice, while meant to be empowering, was at the least very one sided. Women should speak up and if necessary, demand equal compensation, and certainly not give up until they get it. However, it is clear that men need to get over our misconceptions about what women are really up against in many settings and then actively contribute to “leveling the playing field”.
I applaud you for sharing your story. It was very thought provoking. I don’t know the answers as to how to change the reality of what women are up against. I do think our society is making some progress, but it is too slow. I want better for the women in my life.
