“This is a spilling of the heart”

Journal from August 7, 2016

I have so many emotions that I don’t want to deal with. I feel like I’m literally suffocating when I walk into a room lately, depending on whom I see. I feel my anxiety resting in my throat. I walk into a room and I want to disappear. I sit down and want to leave. I walk around a space and lose my sense of being in a public place. I am overwhelmed by my internal turmoil. I look at my friends and don’t know why they still care about me. I look into his eyes and I want to erase the entire summer. I want to apologize five million times a day for the rest of my life to anyone who cares to listen. I want to go back to when I could hang out with everyone in the friend group without having to decipher hidden meanings or emotions towards my being. Without having to avoid certain get togethers starting now.

It’s debilitating and exhausting and I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this consistently. It’s not much, but there are a few tears and that is unusual for me. I am dejected, disillusioned, depressed.

I dislike the past couple of weeks. I dislike how I act. I dislike who I’ve become. I’ve heard, “I give up” and, “I can’t deal with this shit” more times this summer than I have in my life. It is not okay. I am not okay.

I have disregarded and strayed from the intentional life I subscribed to when I became a follower of Christ. I have disregarded grace. How do I find my way to a healthier mental status and way of living? I want to feel things and consider things sincerely and make smart choices.

I’ll be trying to get there. Pray for me.