Hurting
A conversation with a friend
Note to readers, including MDs, psychiatrists, self-appointed psychiatrists, worried people, police, etc: This post describes some suicidal feelings. They are in the past. I am not suicidal now—I currently do not have any active or passive suicidal feelings or ideation. I have psychiatrists and a therapist and the feelings described here were dealt with at the time using the necessary resources. This conversation did not take place the date of this post, and I do not need any medical help at this time. If that changes, I will contact my doctors or 911. No present action is needed by you regarding this past matter. Please take none. Thank you for your care and inaction. I am very happy now and there is no need for us to meet =)
MT: I’m hurting.
DC: Oh no! In what way, Matthew?
MT: Physically and emotionally. I might be perfectly fine but deluded that I feel this way. The problem is wolves in sheep’s clothing.
DC: How do you mean?
MT: Like [my sister] Suzanne calls. Last night. And I already deleted her contact out of my phone. And I did not pick up the call. And I listen to the beginning of her message at least or maybe the whole thing—I don’t remember—and deleted it.
DC: Right.
MT: And I’m not saying that she is a knowing wolf or an intentional wolf. But by communicating with me only about surface issues and silently ignoring the serious deeper email questions that I have sent her, she hurts me. She doesn’t even acknowledge that I’ve asked those other questions. So she is in that way giving me the silent treatment while claiming to still be talking to me.
DC: That does sound very hurtful Matthew. It hurts me for you!!
MT: And the fact that at one time my father and both of my sisters are shutting me out in this way frankly makes me have suicidal feelings. And so I am dealing with it by shutting them out and making them less important in my own mind so that what they’re doing doesn’t justify me feeling suicidal.
DC: I’m so sorry Matthew. I’m hugging you, baby. That’s awful. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
MT: No. It’s awful, awful treatment. But I’m sticking to my guns. Nobody gets to treat me that way and their reward for intentionally or unintentionally shutting me out is a big silent treatment fuck you from me. Which I hope in a way I can make last forever. Suzanne is doing the exact same thing that Dad used to do to me when we were talking maybe five years ago and before..
DC: Yeah, good. I’m glad you’re sticking to your guns they don’t even deserve you.
MT: ..which is talk about the superficial while implicitly denying that there is deeper hurting activity going on. So they come across as all pleasant and nice and loving but really they’re not. And I think I’m at a point in my development where basically I can’t talk to them anymore. Because even if it hurts, even if I’m at fault, I want an honest discussion. And those three people are not willing or capable of having that type of discussion. So I hope—in some ways lovingly—I am moving on so that I can do what I need to do for myself to flourish. That’s it.
DC: I think that is so healthy, Matthew.
MT: Thanks for listening. Thank you, baby. It’s really hard but I think it is healthy, too.
DC: I’m sorry it has to hurt so much. All I’ve been thinking about lately is how family members are the most fucked-up people you’ll probably know. They treat you worse than a stranger would smh I don’t get it.
MT: Thank you, baby. You’re so right about family and I think sometimes about lovers too. My dad and my sister Amy most certainly treat me worse than they treat a stranger.
DC: Yes yes for sure.
MT: And my girlfriend Rishi used to treat me so badly: insult me, not listen to me, discount my ideas, call me crazy politically, etc. etc. And then I would go see her at Starbucks where she worked..
DC: Exactly like what the fuck.
MT: ..and she would be sitting out front talking with some—I mean no offense but like schizophrenic homeless person (and you know I’ve been both)—and she is just listening and caring and leaning in and touching their knees and just loving this person so much. And I’m like: Wow. My girlfriend of years treats me like a piece of shit and treats a total stranger as though they were her intimate. I’m sorry I’m not doing a good job of listening. You were saying.
DC: Dang, boo, that’s shitty.
MT: Yeah well I kicked her out.
DC: Oh good.
MT: I hear what you’re saying about family.
DC: Yeah. Thank you for talking to me, Matthew. It means a lot to me.
MT: For sure, baby. I feel like I interrupted you, though. I’m here to listen if you want to talk more.
DC: No I was just relating to what you were saying. It’s a sad revelation.
MT: Yes it is. I don’t know..here’s something. My little sister Amy searches for her name in my memoir, reads all the parts about her, then gets really mad at me without ever having read the entire book.
DC: Oh my fucking god.
MT: So she has a completely warped idea of what the book is about and how her scenes fit into the whole—which by the way happens to be about me..not her.
DC: Right.
MT: And she has absolutely no concept that the little ways in which the book makes her look bad pale in comparison to the ways it makes me look bad. I feel it’s unfair treatment for someone to judge me based on excerpts of a book!
DC: Smh that’s just really self-absorbed of her.
MT: I mean commit to reading the whole thing before you open your fucking mouth about it. Yeah, you’re right.
DC: Yeah very unfair.
MT: Yeah, like you said, it’s all about her. Fuck it. I’m moving on.
DC: Good, baby.
MT: This conversation has been really good for me. I hope it has been for you, too.
DC: Yes! :)
See the picture above? The most delicate, wispy strands encastled in a mega-fortress of thorns. This is a common pattern in nature. Think of a rose. Beautiful things, exotic things—like a rose, like those white wisps above—often partner with the highest walls, the most violent weaponry, the safest, warmest wombs—to protect them. Because they cannot grow their exotic beauty out in the open, without that protection. Every rose has its thorn can mean a million things, but I ask you to consider this meaning: that exotic beauty cannot even come into existence without first setting up diabolical protections against those who would harm it. I already have some of those types of protections in place in my life. I am setting up more.
