FRUSTRATION, DISAPPOINTMENT

3. Well here we are again…. On the way home from work, another driver started coming over into my lane, I honk my horn and try to get past them, if they don’t want to pay attention I don’t want to b behind them when they wreck. Well according to my boyfriend I shouldn’t of honked and I should of slowed way down so I was away from them. Then goes to tell me he hates my driving. I’m a damn good driver especially compared to some of these other people on the road…. But not according to him. I never do anything right anymore…. We get home he goes to put our child to bed while I was in the bathroom, (I did not know he was doing this) I get out I hear toys being moved in our child’s room, me thinking it was our child I go to turn on the light so he can see. I didn’t know my boyfriend was putting him to bed n was trying to find his way through the dark for his night light. He got upset and I ended up waking our child up. The looks he gives me now hurt so bad. I can feel and see the disappointment from him, I’ve been trying so hard to make today a good day for him, but I can’t even do that. I jus want today to b over with so I can try again tomorrow. (Not like it’s gonna be any different) but at least I’m trying right? I stand here cooking so we’ll have something to eat for lunch tomorrow at work, while he takes a shower. He’s probably in there thinking how stupid I am for my driving, n how upset he is that he had our child almost asleep n I came in there and ruined it. Our dog keeps looking up at me wanting my attention to try n make me feel better. But sadly nothing makes me feel better anymore. I feel numb most of the time. I try to talk to him bout all of this, but to him I’m being selfish, I’m not caring or showing I care bout him cuz he says he feels the same way. But on the other hand he wants me to talk bout everything all the time…. I can win. I can’t even get ahead not for a second. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like an emotionless robot, jus going to work, coming home taking care of my family doing what needs to be done b4 the day is over with, going to bed and doing it all over again. I dread our days off together now. We can never seem to have a good day off together. But that’s expected now, that’s our norm now…. Not that I want it to be, I feel like I try harder and walk softer on those egg shells on our days off, but I think that’s when the fighting is worse. Us jus yelling back and forth, me jus wanting to run away and die. Alone. I’m standing here watching our food and I don’t even know if im making it right, wondering how it will turn out, hoping it turns out good and he likes it…. I can’t keep dealing with all this disappointment. The dreading feeling of when am I gonna mess up next. I love him I really do…. I wish he could see it, I know it’s too late for all of it, but damn it I’m still trying n hoping to God one day it’ll all pay off….. or jus hoping it will all end, haven’t quite figured out which one would be better at this point… when you have something good please, please hold on to it tight! Don’t let it slip through your figures like I did, don’t make the mistakes I did. If your having problems talk to each other. I beg you…. I’ll talk to you soon. Enjoy.