HURT LIKE HELL,
4. Okay so already this morning is shitty, but that’s normal now. I hear my boyfriend opening up a can of some sort, so I ask him what he’s doing, he says getting food ready for lunch today. (If you read my last one I already made lunch the night b4) I ask him why, that was the whole point of me making something last night. He asks did I try it, is it good? Well no honestly I didn’t try, it didn’t even come to mind. I was jus so tired and down that I didn’t even think bout it. So I tell him no. He says well then I’m making my lunch for a back up jus in case it isn’t good I have something else… this hurt, this hurt so bad I never wanna cook again. Like seriously dude! Ouch! I can’t believe how bad that hurt. He complained that I never cook enough, so what do I do, I start cooking more. Then he goes n says that to me….. a nice normal boyfriend that “loves you” wouldn’t of said that. To b honest or not, that shit hurts. I’ve felt sick all morning cuz of it. Everyday it gets harder and harder to get out of bed. To move, to do anything. I’d rather sleep n hope I never wake up then to deal with the reality that I’ve made for myself…. Nothing is the same as it was, nor will it ever be again. I honestly don’t see us getting better, I see us separating, and me dying alone in my miserable life. He’ll have our son cuz I don’t deserve him ☹ he’s the only thing keeping me on this shitty planet. I wish I was a better mom, a better person b4 all this that way none of this would of happened…. But I’m not, to my boyfriend I’m a selfish, heartless whore. ☹ he’s only called me a whore a couple times and that was everything first happened, but I can still picture the first time he said, we were sitting in bed, talking bout everything and he looked at me like a lifeless toy that can talk. No emotions, no regret, no love, not caring. I couldn’t hear him say it I was too focused on his mouth n the shape it took as he said the word “whore” it replays in my head daily…. I’m hard on myself along with him constantly on me bout everything so when I start yelling at myself the look on his face n the movement of his mouth replays on repeat til I go numb again… I wish I could jus stay numb, or asleep they both hurt less. I wish I could take the pain away from him. The hurt, the disappointment. All of it. I’ll jus go. Life sucks. Enjoy.