Ode to Faded Friendships

It doesn’t matter how movies perpetuate the idea of friendship to me. On the screens, they tell you that every relationship can fall apart, but not friendship. It is the one thing that lasts. No matter what, a friend will always be by your side to get you through whatever may come, from the very beginning to the finish line. Well, I thought I had a friendship just like the ones I saw in the movies. But no — it’s faded out for good.

My friend and I — we used to say things like…

“Woo! Imagine us living together in the future! It would be so much fun!”

“Yeah, we’ll probably adopt a dog.”

“Sssuppp bitch! Why don’t we go back to Thailand now?”

“But what about Bali trip?”

Sounds fun, huh? All distant memories now.

I would admit that sometimes I wonder why has it been so hard for me to keep a friend. Is it because I’m just bad at it? Or am I simply too full of myself? Or is it really just supposed to end like this? Well, I don’t know. And I’m pretty sure most of us don’t. Why is it like this? Friendships turn to dust in a heartbeat. I thought friendships were supposed to be tougher than even romance. But I guess not.

Truth be told, I used to have a lot of friends before I got too deep into my own world. I had a few very good ones too. When I was in high school, there was this girl who used to be my sidekick everytime we skipped after school sessions. Instead of sitting bored doing Math or burning out trying to figure out what new type of acid we can create from mixing two different acids like our parents definitely hoped we did, we roamed from district to district. We had little money on our hands, but back then fun didn’t take a lot of money — just some food and drink while laughing it off was enough. But then college happened and we parted ways.

And so I made new friend. I worked for this magazine and I finally found someone who actually enjoys doing the things I love: wandering the streets, sitting just anywhere I want to, drinking and eating snack, going to the playgrounds, spending hours to talk about our favorite topics, and fried chickens — a lot of fried chickens. We even traveled Thailand for a month. We survived some serious allergies together. But for reasons that are still unknown to me, we just collapsed; so quick without warnings at all. Before I knew it, we were strangers again and I found myself roaming the streets alone again.

Probably people do just grow apart. But having your friendships fade away just like that as you move on and continue to try constantly rediscover yourself is super hard. I could feel the distance getting real while I’m drawing closer to finding out who I truly am. It’s like free falling from the sky. And I’m falling fast; away from the bonds that I had made once. But I can feel in my guts. I can feel how uncomfortable it is inside me. I started noticing how I stopped receiving text messages and my inbox is starving for some conversations. I would’ve texted first, but the thought creeps up inside my head; what if it annoys them? Building up the confidence to text first is, as ridiculous as it may sound, very stressful. And when you do reach out first, all you get in return is a short strong message: “I’m busy”. Or probably just not in the mood, I guess?!

What got me feeling blue so much is that I know friendship is a rare connection. It’s like finding your true love. You can’t just spread the seed of friendship around at random hoping it’ll grow someday. How do people really make friends anyway? Friendship is like a rare flower. You can’t just plant it on a farm. It gets complicated and requires efforts to maintain. And you know how people say that the most beautiful things often die sooner.

Now that I’m well aware of how easy it is to lose something so precious in your life, I’ve decided to feed myself. Maybe I never was satisfied with the friendships I had. Probably we got bored being together so much. The drinks became tasteless. No food could mask that feeling we had any longer: we don’t match anymore. You went ahead and I took a left turn. We chose different roads because it’s just what two people do when they’re done with each other.

My friendships were beautiful. It hurts to finally see how nothing is really infinite. Is it too depressing — the way I see things now? Or is it just something that anyone can come to experience in life?

Don’t ask me.