Hail Gautama!

The Zen Buddhists have moved into my neighbourhood1. Their behaviour is totally uncharacteristic.2

Armed with Keisakus, those ritualistic wooden prayer sticks, they’ve been thacking un-enlightened savages all evening.

Perhaps I’m being prematurely judgemental, even if the disciples did shout out ‘Hail the Gautama’3before I felt the sting of the hardwood across my neck.

Well, I think those were the exact words- no one else can remember!4

Some of my less educated friends did warn me about this a few years prior, but they are racist scum, so I immediately blocked them on social media. Today, I continue to ignore their attempts to speak with me in person. After all, the vast majority of Buddhist’s seem content to ignore the fundamental precepts of their 6th century teaching.

Deep down I know that most Zen practioners are moderate ones. I know this because we conveniently use the word moderate in all casual conversations about Zen.5

Some of my neighbours are Buddhists and everyone agrees that the Zen Super Centre Community Cohesion Centre under construction at the end of the street will be an asset to everyone locally. All the more so as we live in a majority Buddhist area.6 7

The communal gardens on my street are already orderly in the sublime. Seeing them raked to perfection every day is spiritually uplifting in the extreme.

Finely managed gravel is the most gracious of blessings. Especially so for any lucky resident non-believers. It is unthinkable that some tenants quite wickedly objected to the paving over of all the community vegetable patch. The nature of their objection was on parking grounds.

At the same time, I admit, it was disturbing seeing that video of a lecture hall of Zen students assault a Danish university professor for his film featuring a cute drawing of the Merciful Siddhartha(BBUP).9

Good job those police were there!10

The Professor must be great friends with the policemen and women because they now accompany him 24 hours a day. Also his once public lecture schedule is now kept secret until the day of his appearances.11

All this subterfuge.
In Europe!

It really looks like so much fun.

Anyway that was in 2010 before Zen State was established. Which of course is nothing to do with the Most Merciful Buddha. According to the campus newspaper. And the three local district newspapers. And forty five of the national newspapers.12

Some guy in the USA also agrees.

Agreement is good I suppose.
That way no one will be offended.13

Offence, like those cartoons of Zen monks I am not drawing, is undesirable.14 So undesirable that any good and right thinking person would see offence as extremism in itself, as I do.

It’s funny, last semester my university, a ‘metropolitan centre of freethinking’ and ‘a global thought leader on world challenge’, hosted a Discover Zen event.

This was the first initiative forming part of the then voluntary and now legally required mandate to become more ‘Zen-friendly’.15 16

A repulsive neo-fascist, a fellow student, David, tried to discuss his concerns about Zen stick attacks but luckily was quickly shouted down by the Guardians of Tolerance, the on-campus social justice organisation.17

In person, the leader of The Guardian’s, who like all Guardian’s is unelected, threw pigs blood all over David. They18 also circulated a rumour online that David had privately joined a right-wing think tank that was ‘borderline neo-nazi’.

He was GoT!

Just to make sure it is clear that David’s views remain unwelcome, GoT campaigned to have David blacklisted from our campus. By default this also applied to the two hundred other higher education centres nationwide where GoT have a vocal presence.19

In addition, GoT insisted the university administrators who expressed concern about David’s fair treatment were disciplined, then sacked and also publicly ridiculed by the provost.20

For further good measure the core embers of GoT soiled themselves publicly in the central quadrangle during an open day in front of hundreds of prospective students from China.21

This was symbolic of the ‘violence’ David’s questioning may have fostered. He even had the gall to suggest Zen be debated!22

The subsequent debate covering Zen-Hate and Safe-Speech was far more invigorating than anything the xenaphobes and their Zenaphobic cousins wanted to have.23

We were lucky enough to have a speaker who is the face of moderate Zen. His dress sense was impeccable. Stylish enough to be commented on adoringly by the Chair. Oddly no one talked about his past sartorial choices that were far less elegant.24

A minority of students and administrators who didn’t know better suggested that the Guardians, who are mostly overweight and seemingly incapable of dressing well,25 26 enjoy their humourless campaigning as a form of self-righteous ego fulfilment.

This sort of hate speech is exactly the kind of privilege we can all discriminate against!

In a sense, the occasional Zen-stick-on-neck is to be expected because of the less than enthusiastic attitude to Sid that our forefathers may have had. Or climate change27

Really, they should have known better. So if I have to receive a cheeky Buddhist swipe here and there, then I think that’s ok really.

I embrace tolerance. As I in fact embrace all cultures.
I mean even our tea is Buddhist.

Zen monks also invented lemons and the antecedent to modern dentistry!28 Fundamentally I agree that the only way to be openminded is by not having a culture of one’s own29

A profound realisation.
I am so proud.


  1. http://www.spectator.co.uk/2016/03/europes-folly-has-made-it-a-civilisation-under-siege/
  2. http://wisermonkeys.uk/muslimopinion.html
  3. https://www.google.co.uk/?gfe_rd=cr&ei=VrOKV57nIe7S8Aezu6qICw#q=allahu+akbar
  4. http://pamelageller.com/2016/05/cnn-erases-omits-allahu-akbar-screams-from-munich-jihad-stabbing-rampage-news-report.html/
  5. http://www.christianpost.com/news/liberal-hypocrisy-and-the-soft-bigotry-of-low-expectations-128052/
  6. http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2218615
  7. http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/4bd95562-4379-11e2-a48c-00144feabdc0.html
  8. http://www.frontpagemag.com/point/214086/french-city-40-muslim-population-most-dangerous-daniel-greenfield
  9. Blessings Be Upon Him!
  10. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbpyk1uHNWY
  11. http://www.amren.com/features/2015/10/geert-wilders-a-dutch-patriot
  12. http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2015/11/will-politicians-finally-admit-that-the-paris-attacks-had-something-to-do-with-islam/
  13. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/11352488/What-free-speech-didnt-tell-usabout-Charlie-Hebdo-jokes.html
  14. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/washington-dc-metro-bans-controversial-advertisement-depicting-prophet-mohamad-10283421.html
  15. http://www.theguardian.com/education/2015/sep/20/westminster-university-islamic-students-society-ultra-conservative-muslims
  16. http://www.cardiffstudents.com/news/article/6013/womens-only-gym-sessions/
  17. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3Ksw94buBg
  18. http://www.theguardian.com/media/mind-your-language/2015/jan/30/is-it-time-we-agreed-on-a-gender-neutral-singular-pronoun
  19. http://www.theguardian.com/education/2016/feb/18/anti-racism-campaigner-stopped-speaking-nus-islamophobia-claims
  20. https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/jun/13/tim-hunt-hung-out-to-dry-interview-mary-collins
  21. http://www.dailytexanonline.com/2015/10/15/campus-dildo-carry-protest-sparks-conversation-on-feminism
  22. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/11/27/tommy-robinson-speaks-at-oxford-university-union_n_6230288.html
  23. https://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/0754651401/ref=cm_cr_dp_see_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=helpful
  24. http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=8f0_1451680614
  25. feminist protest campus
  26. http://ballbearingsmag.com/2016/01/10/the-changing-nature-of-feminism/
  27. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charles-b-strozier/how-climate-change-helped_b_5903170.html
  28. http://www.answeringmuslims.com/2012/09/science-and-islam-reply-to-1001.html
  29. http://speisa.com/modules/articles/index.php/item.576/former-swedish-pm-sweden-belongs-to-the-immigrants-not-the-swedes.html
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