by: Clarissa Mendes
unleash the beast, they say
without noticing that
the so called beast
owns big brown eyes
thin hair, curls here and there
and she’s so sleepy,
skin itching for someone to
pick her up.
i swear i wanted to be kinder
but there’s blood everywhere
and the rage doesn’t sit on my chest anymore.
it hunts at night,
sits under the sun,
it doesn’t even howls at the moon.
void surrounded
always one arm away from
what could be warmer, sweeter
all it does is sleep,
hoping for 5 more minuter everyday.
i wish i didn’t have to carry
a heavy sword
but a light axe,
an intense wild fire
under the breath of those
that walked barefoot
till it reached the seaside
to transform it.
but what is a woman without her anger?
sitting by her side at the bus stop?
salting the tomatos in the kitchen,
bitting her own hand to stay quiet.
what is a woman without the knowledge
that the tea leaf will rest at the bottom
after giving it all to someone else’s benefit?
i wish i was camomile.
i wish and i wish and i pray to
be more, be wiser,
to become immortal in a land that
sees no point in starving the grass.
on april i’ll be sweeter
and maybe see the sunlight
a bit further away than last year
a bit further away from what i was
hoping they kill me again.
let me rest, let me cry.
send me away to explore the places
they’re scared to even stand by,
hope i can stay unknown,
hope my name doesn’t slip through mouths,
but rather be cautious that if it did
3 times in the mirror,
the night will become colder,
the sun won’t shine,
that the beast you’re so scared of
will finally come out
to satiate her hunger.
years pass by as i
scream to leave,
to disappear into oblivion.
erase my face
without wondering if i’ll ever comeback,
so desperately waiting to be forgotten,
like the strawberry you left in your fridge,
or my grandma’s rings laying on your wardrobe.
wishing i brought doomsday
to the eyes that could never hold mine,
the words that could never reach my ears,
the hands that could never touch me,
hold me a bit longer,
not linger by the door as i hold my keys.
you have no idea how i emptied myself
to the thought of belonging.
i don’t understand your love
and you don’t see a way out
while i sit by the door,
will it rain? why you never tried?
i bring my own doomsday
wrapped around a candy,
bite my tongue so i contain what
cards try to show me
and i know i said
happiness look so good on you
but i wish that far from me.
call me jealous, call out my envy
maybe you’re right.
i just can’t stand being the step
to everybody’s happiness.
part of the road but never the company.
never the checkpoint.
they learn on top of my resilience
and i learn that they fear too much.
they leave with a packed bag,
baked goodies and a waving hand
see you another time,
while i hope i never cross paths again,
while i clean the flour on my pants,
what am i if not giving and loving?
surely not a beast,
surely still very hungry.
