Don’t Do This if You Don’t Want to Lose Your Identity

Who are you? Who am I?

Eventually, we’ll all forget. At one point in our lifetime, we’ll lose track of some of the good memories that we had. The laughter and tears that we shared with important people will soon be unavailable in our minds. May it be amnesia, old age, Alzheimer’s, or just because those memories were so old, we’ll forget. It’s not a good feeling losing all the blissful memories of the past. Maybe it’s not amnesia or Alzheimer’s at all…

Maybe it is change that made us all forget.

I’ve been in a strange position when I was in high school. It was a bit strange but happy. I was adventurous, happy, outgoing, cheerful, and all the things that you would refer as a “happy rebel”. I would do all the things that require characters like being brave and willingness to do dangerous things. But those dangerous things aren’t serious but really just “out-of-the-comfort-zone” kind of things.

But I thought I need to take a new step. I thought I needed to go higher than what I’ve experienced. I was bored. I want new experiences that would help me grow more. Because I was a kid that was hungry for growth and new experiences, I left my hometown. I went to college to a far place and stayed there for four years. I was indeed, happy. Very happy that it was a new environment. I could come across new people, new hobbies, and new activities. You know, welcome to a new beginning! If I recall, it was exciting and thrilling. But as time went by, I was wrong.

I left everything in my hometown. I barely talked to my best friends, my family, my high school friends, and the people who were so important to me. I left them all behind. Because I became a complete different person, I changed everything starting from friends up to my hobbies. Although I never stopped singing, I didn’t have the same focus as much as I did before. I stopped performing, making impact to people, creating fun things, making inventions, and everything. I completely changed.

Change is good, well, sometimes. But because I was so in love with change, I became now a lost child. I forgot who I really am. I tried going back but there’s nowhere to go back to. My old friends have forgotten about me, I don’t how to love my old hobbies again, I don’t know where to start again now that I am back here in my hometown. It feels like I’m a stranger. Whenever my family and old friends tell me all the things we’ve done, I have to really think about it and get it from the abyss of my memories. I buried it deep. It is so bad that I cry sometimes and just look myself in the mirror and ask my reflection who that person is. I remember now how happy I was before all of the change happened.

But I couldn’t go back. I regret that I was in love with change. Change isn’t always good.

I thought I’ll be happy. Well, I was happy once but never for long.

I want to go back.
But I can’t anymore.

I just have to recall those memories. Relive the moment. But can’t exactly be the same.

Do you want change? You can have it. But never ever forget all those people who were there for you, the moments that you shared together, those crazy things that you did before, those laughter and tears that you had with your family. Even if you’re far away now, call them frequently.

Make sure that you are still you.

Because you can never come back.

-Clyzel Peralta

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