Fuck being a victim. You´re too good for that shit.

I´m in the bathroom sobbing. My whole body is shuddering and shaking violently and my breathing is verging on hyperventilation. I´m sitting on top of the toilet seat with my feet on the bathtub and knees tucked to chest. The tears won´t stop falling and I´m dripping with sweat despite wearing nothing but my underwear. It´s almost mid July in Barcelona and temperatures are at a record high this week.

Jesus fucking christ, I think. What a fucking mess.

I reach for the towel by the sink to muffle my sobs because I don´t want her to hear me. Part of me does however, and part of me wants her to suffer for it. But mostly I just want to be left alone to cry in peace and get it all out.

I´ve been on the verge of tears the entire day and I guess it´s now that the floodgates are opening. ¨ Lean into discomfort ¨ I hear in my mind. It´s Brené Brown in her Ted talk on vulnerability (find it here: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en). She says it´s necessary to feel the pain and the tears and embrace the authenticity and uncertainty of the feelings.

Fuck Brené Brown.

Because here´s the thing. Life will inevitably kick you in the teeth.

There are few universal truths, certainties and guarantees in life, but this is one of them. Its a very unfortunate truth and hurts like hell when it does. But it leaves you, all emotions aside for a moment, with two choices.

This is a rather uncomfortable realization.

Because this one leaves you with all the power in your hands. And to be perfectly fucking honest, you secretly wish it didn’t.

But hey. Given the choice you also wish that life had kept its feet in check and decided not to karate chop you so sadistically in the face leaving you on the ground stunned and wondering if you can even get up.

But here´s the thing.

Your heart doesn’t want to face this truth.

Your head won´t want to either.

Far easier the path most taken.

The path neatly carved before you out where many a bitter, resentful and vengeful person has gone.

A path full of people who wear their battle scars on their faces and in their slumped, angry and hateful posture.

A path packed with people that despite the amount of aesthetic work and botox they get, the years of resentment and hate reside on their faces forcing their mouths to turn downward, their eyes to harden and their lips to thin in pursed tension.

The victims. This path calls out to you too. Because none of you deserve what you got. They also were good people. Nice. Understanding. Empathetic.

Vulnerable.

You have every right to take this path. You would be in good company.

But you stop. And take a second.

A step back.

Those annoying feelings of honesty and purpose start to bubble up., nagging away at the back of your mind. You wish they didn´t.

You look around and into the eyes of the victims. Eyes admitting no vulnerability or softness.

You ask yourself if this is what you want.

The answer is clear. No.

Here is the truth. Life is cruel. Can be cruel.

Life can burst the bubble we live in and have lived in, in blissful ignorance, for years. In a matter of seconds it can destroy our easy smiles, happy laughter and the shining in our eyes.

And things come crashing down.

And you are left with a thunk thunk thunk of your heart beating furiously in your chest, your neck, the side of your head. The sensation that for some unidentifiable quantity of time your body stays put while your heart or soul or whatever it is vacuums clear out of you and you cease to be there. It takes some moments to come back and feel your own physical body in space.

Life kicks you in the teeth.

These are the moments that attempt to define us and define who we are going to become. Its never fair. It´s never easy. It´s always a pain so deep and so sharp that we physically hurt and find ourselves whimpering and sobbing half naked on the toilet seat into a wet towel on a hot July evening.

But fuck it.

Because along with this pain comes another realization. One that also smacks you upside the side of the head and by now your head is very fucking sore from so many swipes.

But no matter. With this pain comes clarity of thought.

The second unfortunate, or rather fortunate, truth of life.

The truth stating that we decide.

That we get to decide. Who are we? Who will we become? Who do we want to become?

The path most taken, most worn down?

The path filled with broken hearts and quashed dreams and unmet expectations?

Or we can allow our gaze to drift to the other path.

A path also of loss.

But a loss of a greater, more powerful and defining nature.

A loss of ego.

A loss of victimism.

A loss of hurt and regret and the constant replaying in our minds of one word.

Why?

We will never understand. We can never understand. Life acts and people act and sometimes there is no why.

We can make ourselves crazier and crazier searching for the reason and the explanations. For days. For months. For years. A lifetime.

This is the path most taken.

Yet pase lo que pase we will never and can never be satisfied.

It is a madman´s choice.

Because humans fail. Our friends will fail us. Our parents. Our lovers who have whispered promises too many to count in our ears in the dead of night under the covers amidst a closeness only two humans in love can know.

Life will fail us. It is its nature to do so and none of us are immune. But if we are not careful we can choose to let it destroy us.

I say choose because the frustrating fact of the matter is that it is up to us.

But we must choose.

Because if we don´t, the path will choose us and we will unwittingly drift along in the footsteps of the vast majority before us.

Or we can take the lesser known path.

The path where there are no guarantees. No solace nor comfort that everything will be okay but we must trust. Learn to trust again. In ourselves and in life.

Yes, it may have failed us in this instant but in times like this we need to remember what it has given us.

So much happiness.

Success in whatever way we define success for ourselves.

Contentment and laughter and experiences too numerous to count. We have to remember this now more than ever.

So you stand.

And you choose.

And this choice is a daily one. And one for a lifetime.

The bathroom door unlocks and she walks in. She holds me. I cry. I don´t know what will happen. It´s too early to know.

But one thing I do know.

I know my path.