Even in the biggest crowds, you can still feel completely alone…
Before I start writing, you may have noticed that my blogs aren’t associated with my site anymore. I’m in the process of setting up a new domain and will publish my past and future blogs then. Until then, Medium will be my go to source.
This may go a little off my my normal topic of dealing with my grief. Feeling completely alone and isolating yourself from others is a normal when processing grief. I decided tonight to delve a little into relationships. Most of my relationships are failing at the moment. I know this is partly because of the depression, and partly because I don’t know how to get through my grief. I also know that a huge part of everything is my stress. I’m currently without a job and my lease is not being renewed once it ends so I’ll have to be moving soon as well. On top of that, I’m meeting a lot of resistance when it comes to putting actions into achieving my goals. To sum it up, my life is a hot mess right now.
The depression is still eating me alive. There are days when I can’t even find the strength to get out of bed. There are days when the most productive thing I do is brush my teeth. I know that I need to get housework done, I know I have other responsibilities, but I feel frozen in place. That frozen feeling is my safe place. If I don’t leave the happy spot, the world won’t hurt me as much. I need to break free from this happy spot. I need to find a way to start living my life again.
As most of you know, I’m in a relationship. This is a relationship with someone that a lot of people don’t necessarily agree I should be dating. I’m dating him regardless, because despite what other people think of him, I still love him. He still has the potential to be the guy that I first fell in love with. It’s still there, and I see it on occasion. He’s the love of my life and I honestly can’t imagine my life without him. But I’m going to have to live that life soon, unless things are able to be changed. We both have very different ideas of what I relationship means, and it’s now starting to come between us. We both a independent individuals, but that individuality is pulling us apart. He can’t help me when it comes to dealing with my grief. There’s nothing he can do that will make things better, but I don’t think he realizes that sometimes all I need is someone to listen.
I’m in a position and mental state at the moment where I feel like everything I do is wrong. There’s criticism about everything I do. I’m told that I didn’t do something right, or that it wasn’t good enough. Even when I try giving everything that I have, it still isn’t enough. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle that.
I’m broken. My mental state is shattered. I can’t pick the pieces up and glue them back together because I’m missing pieces. I’m missing major pieces of myself, and I don’t know that I’ll ever get those back.
Who am I? Why am I so lost?