Ranking the Five Worst Reality TV Shows

If you are a guy, and are in a relationship, congratulations, because you now know more about reality television than you ever wanted to. I used to be able to sit through an episode of Survivor or The Real World back in 1999, but now a days, forget it. To even call it “reality TV” is a misnomer since most, if not all the situations are completely contrived. I can always tell when my wife is watching Bravo in the other room because the only audible sound is the ubiquitous bleep noise used for cuss words. God those women have some potty mouths on them. However, like most things, all reality TV isn’t created equal. That is why, using cutting edge technology and computer science (the old BSC formula), I have assembled the top five worst reality TV shows there are for your reading pleasure. Be honest with yourself, you hate them too…

Mob Wives

The premise sounds interesting enough. Women who are directly or indirectly related to notorious (alleged) crime bosses and their daily lives. I have to admit when this show kicked off even I was intrigued. Finally, a reality show I can get behind. The Godfather is like, one of, if not the greatest movies of all time. How bad can this be? Spoiler alert: it sucks. The premise is a complete farce and there is almost no crime organization element at all. Basically, it falls back on what every other reality show falls back on, women fighting. The only difference here is that each one of these ladies is probably capable of actually kicking ass.

Redeeming quality: The women on this show do get points for having, far and away, the dirtiest mouths on cable television (seriously, who whole show is almost one continuous bleep).

Love and Hip Hop

Another shining example of an intriguing premise, but then VH1 pulls the ol’ bait and switch on us. Hell yeah I’d love to see what my favorite rappers of the late 90’s/early 2000’s are up to now and what their home life is like. It totally sounds like something I could watch and reminisce to. Unfortunately, that makes up less than 10% of the show. The other 90%? You guessed it, women fighting. Not to mention with the exception of Lil Scrappy & Soulja Boy, I’ve never heard of any of these people. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m not down with the scene any more. I will say, that I did walk through the living room one time while this was on and caught Lil Scrappy punching some dude out. While I won’t say it was quality television, it was nice to know that my man Scrappy still has some fight in him. The guy has got to be pushing 40 now right?

Redeeming Quality: Lil Scrappy’ s mom. That lady is bat shit crazy and it’s pretty awesome

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Real Housewives of [Insert City Here]

I’m lumping these all together because it might as well be all the same show. Each one of the people on these shows are interchangeable with any other member, and I find it almost impossible to differentiate between them. Oh tell me again how tough your life is in your 5000 square foot mansion in Beverly Hills, or better yet, how you have “so many things going on in your life right now”. That line is said at least once every two episodes. Why anyone is interested in these women is beyond me. If I want to listen to people complain for an hour at a time, I’ll turn on FOX news. If America really wants to see how the other half lives, why don’t we make a show about someone who actually having a good time with their Scrooge McDuck levels of stacked cash? How about, and I’m just spit balling here, Leonardo DiCaprio? Or maybe Jennifer Lawrence? She looks like she’s having a lot of fun. Anything other than these miserable people.

Redeeming Quality: These ladies have no problem cracking open a bottle of chardonnay at any time of the day, for just about any reason at all. Much respect, ladies.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

The only show that makes me want to scream “GO AWAY” at my television more than when Rob Dyrdek is on TV. America’s first ‘famous for being famous’ family makes me consider being put into a medically induced coma until the show is cancelled and/or they have all passed away. I can’t believe I’m about to say this but, I just can’t even. And if one more person tells me to look at Kim’s ‘break the internet’ photo I am going drown myself in the nearest sink. Com’on guys, there is nothing attractive about her. Not only do they contribute nothing to society, but they all seem like genuinely horrible people. Seriously could you ever imagine a scenario were you could be friends with any of them? Bruce Jenner, plastic surgery aside, was the one shining light of hope for decency in that disaster of a familial unit and he was divorced quicker than you can say North West. Will the show ever get cancelled? Who knows, but until it does, I will continue to harbor a burning hatred for Ryan Seacrest for putting this evil on us.

Redeeming Quality: Lord Disick. Nobody embodies more of a ‘fuck off’ attitude than this guy. Not to mention, the man is an impeccable dresser.

Teen Mom

Taking the number one spot, with an overwhelming 9 seasons (between Teen Mom 1 and 2) of all the white trash you can handle, Teen mom is by far worst reality show going. MTV tries to disguise this show as a warning of sorts about the dangers of teen pregnancy, but I think we can all agree, it’s total bullshit. It is beyond depressing to watch these ill-advised young women try and navigate the biggest challenge of being a human being, while completely unprepared and with little to no resources available to them. For the record: No, seeing Dr. Drew once a year for the reunion special is not a resource. What happens to these girls when the show gets cancelled and their 15 minutes is up? Well, one teen mom already proved that porn is an option, so there’s that. If it was shot in a documentary style format I really wouldn’t have a problem with it. Instead, MTV takes the approach of having cute animated intros and outros of coloring books and baby rattles. There’s also a happy go lucky narration by the parent, which sounds unbelievably forced more often than not. The whole thing is bullshit, top to bottom. Hey MTV, you want to do these girls some real good? Provide them with child care so they can get an education. Pay for groceries, diapers, and in a lot of cases counseling, so that these women can overcome their substantial disadvantages and get their lives on track for their children sake. Or better yet, just go back to showing music videos.

Redeeming Qualities: None

Honorable Mention: Any “Reunion” Special
Com’on Bravo… you guys really milking it at this point…

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