Starbucks Oh Dear God Your Stupid Size Names

I realize this must be one of the oldest complaints in the history of Starbucks. But, Starbucks, seriously, these names you use for sizes is sooooo intuitive. Even if you go along with these stupid size names — we go from the arbitrary English terms “Short” & “Tall”, which could mean anything — then suddenly we’re all into Italian. Ok. “Grande” means “Big” in Italian. Fine. So I guess “Large” = “Big”. But going with the Italian, “Venti” means “20”. So “Extra Large” = “20”. But the “Extra Large” is either 20 ounces for hot drinks or 24 ounces for iced drinks. So for any kind of consistency, why doesn’t Starbucks call the “Grande”, which is 16 ounces, a “Sedici”? Starbucks, why don’t you make your contribution to world peace and the salvation of mankind and choose arbitrary English special size names for all your sizes, or go all Italian with size names that follow some kind of consistent rules? Since you’re an American corporation, from Seattle, I’d encourage you to stick with English — does that make sense? And we’ll keep the first two size names, so as to not upset people who have been ordering the two smaller drinks since the 1970s. Here you go:

Suggested Revised Starbucks Arbitrary English Cup Size Names:

8 oz — Short
12 oz — Tall
16 oz — Spank My Puppy
20 oz — Spank My Puppy Hard
24 oz — Spank My Puppy Hard & Cry

I really want to try to wrap my brain around the size terminology when my brain is almost totally blacked out, and I need a large coffee, plus I’m hung over. But Starbucks, the name system you have for sizes is broken. But you’ll never take a drink from the well of sanity and just go with “Small”, “Medium”, “Large”, or “Extra-Large”, will you?

Someone now told me these are “quality problems”. OK. Nevermind.

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