ten months

Someone reached out to me regarding my previous post on the sobriety decision and since I am celebrating 10 months today I thought I would share my response which includes a little update on where I stand with things.

how I feel — a blossoming flower, but still a little trapped.

Hey! I’m really sorry for not getting back to you sooner.

Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m in this weird phase where I feel like I’ve overcommitted to so much and wanted to send you a thoughtful response but didn’t have the bandwidth to do so.

Admitting to myself that I had a problem was the most difficult thing I had to do. I was so angry at my therapist when she first told me I was an alcoholic based on what I had told her. I think blacking out, binging and over-consuming is so ubiquitous in our culture, that unless you are homeless on the street or seriously harming yourself/others (DUI, etc.) then we don’t think it’s a a problem. This isn’t true. I thought that since people around me had similar drinking habits that I was fine. When I was embarrassed for not remembering something, people told me to brush it off. How I wish I had the foresight to pull myself out then.

Yes, I’m still sober and am actually celebrating 10 months today. Earlier this year, I told myself it was just for this year but now going through it and seeing how my life has changed, albeit not always in amazing ways, I’m planning on staying sober to see what else this life has in store for me. Not amazing stuff includes feeling very lonely and isolated at times, moving my addiction to food/sugar, still trying to deal with social anxiety soberly. I’m also on a spiritual path, so staying sober from alcohol is in line with that but I do experiment with CBD (I don’t really like how I feel with THC) and some psychedelics; so I’m not completely “sober” but am in control with other substances and don’t abuse them in any way.

I still think that maybe one day I will have my favorite glass of rosé at my favorite winery on a warm summer day with my boyfriend and friends. But also think, maybe if I bring some La Croix with a little CBD, I could still have the same experience? I’m not sure. I don’t think anytime in the near term I could do that without going down the slippery slope of “moderation” which never ever worked for me.

I’d like to think at my wedding I could have a glass or maybe when I’m old and dgaf I can enjoy my patron on the rocks with extra lime and salt. Again, I’m really not sure. All I can say is that being sober right now is the best decision for me and when those life events come up, I can decide at that time.

Sending you so much love and support,