“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
~Dylan Thomas
Life as I knew it has changed so much over the years.
My thoughts and meaning has moved beyond what certain people mean to me to how life is meant to be.
I have started to realize that life is just a series of highs and lows.
We crave for the high while surviving the lows.
It is not different than any drug that people consume.
A cycle that keeps repeating again and again.
A certain person can trigger the pain, but they cannot prolong it.
How long a pain lasts depends on the will power of the person who deals with it.
I have lost all energy to deal with the cycles of pain that life throws at me.
These days I remember every pain I have felt at every point of time in my life including losing grandparents/friends and loved ones.
A realization that I have come to is that, your loved ones grieve for certain days then life goes on.
I, as a person mean nothing to this world.
I hold no value in this world.
My loss will be grieved for few days, then life moves ahead.
Life always moves ahead.
At a stage when handling my own grief is so unbearable, that thinking about somebody else’s grief is very difficult for me.
I don’t have the guts to do anything extreme at this point of time, but I just want to say some things out loud.
I know I am a coward. A dramatic coward. An attention seeking dramatic coward.
I have a family who loves me.
I have friends who love me.
Yet, I am a dramatic coward who doesn’t have the guts to face problems head on.
Why should I have that courage?
What is the point of showing the world that you are strong?
My problem is what is going to happen and surviving each day. I am filled with so many questions in my mind, related to the life I have lived. The wrongs I have done. The wrongs I will do. The malice in my heart.
The future is not bright.
The future is filled with losses.
I will loose family.
I will loose friends.
I lost myself.
Don’t you think breaking free from this cycle is the best way forward?
Such a myopic view of looking at things, but I don’t see a point in moving ahead with hope of a better future which is uncertain.
I do not blame anybody for my condition.
I would not want anybody to take guilt for my actions because they are completely and solely based on my cowardice.
I am grateful to have had friends like you, who have supported me throughout.
People who have stood by my side when times were tough.
I want them to know that it is because of such people, that I used to see hope.
I am not doing anything right now.
I just wanted to share how lost I feel in life.
I just want to disappear for some time and if there is any ounce of energy left in me, I will rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
~Dylan Thomas
