How to avoid the common mistakes and dating delusions many guys make by projecting their dating fantasy onto someone, while ignoring the reality they are uninterested or unavailable.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who has gotten so wrapped up in his dating fantasy about a girl he briefly met in university who has a boyfriend, that he has completely deluded himself into seeing a potential relationship that has no chance of happening. He only had coffee with her once, and then she went back to her home country.
He has stayed in touch since she moved back, and he eventually vomited his inappropriate feelings all over her in hopes she would blow off her boyfriend, so they could live happily ever after. Even though she bluntly told him to move on and was perplexed by his inappropriate interest, he writes me asking what it all means, despite the fact it’s obvious she is taken, not interested and wants him to leave her alone.
There are several “face-palm” and “come on man” moments that are cringe-worthy in his email, but perfectly illustrate the fact that many people get hung up on people they have no romantic chance with, but still delude themselves into believing it’s a possibility beyond all reason. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Thank you for your videos and insight; you have really had a positive impact in me, and my way of approaching a relationship.
Please, I have a problem with my female friend, whom I have known going on three years now; she is from abroad, but we met at university and she’s gone back to her country. Although, before she left, we went for coffee once, and we have been corresponding via email ever since, until last Christmas when I sent her Christmas messages and a gift.
Gifts are for girlfriends or your wife, not chicks you want to date or hope to date. The gift comes across as a bribe for sex and a relationship.
I also sent her an email, but she did not reply to those messages.
That should tell you something. You’re looking for someone who reciprocates interest. The idea is to find someone who’s ready, willing and open to dating.
So, I decided not to call her, and she did not try to call nor message me during this period. Three months later, I sent her a message that we need to talk,
You don’t say that to women dude. You don’t say, “we need to talk.” You sent her a gift, she’s ignoring you, and she didn’t even say thanks. That should tell you everything you need to know. In other words, dating is like a game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net, then you wait for the other person to hit it back. So you hit two or three balls over the net, and she didn’t hit a single one of them back. And you’re reaching out to her saying, “we need to talk”,
and so I told her I am having feelings for her,
You’re thinking, “If I just tell her how much I like her, then she’ll really start to like me.” She already figured out that you were liking her. Women aren’t stupid. They know these things. They’re pretty intuitive. She could tell you were getting attached, and she was hoping you would get the message and just go away.
When you love and value yourself, and somebody treats you like you’re dirt, or they don’t like you, they don’t support your purpose and mission in life, you move on to the next one. You don’t sit around, trying to change their mind. It’s demeaning to yourself. Plus, it takes you out of the game. It prevents you from being open and meeting people that are always circulating around you,
and that I would want us to be in a relationship,
You’ve haven’t even been out on a date dude, and now you want a relationship. Before you even have a relationship, you want to go out on a date and have fun, you want to hook up and then let the woman bring up the relationship. This girl’s just ignoring you, and you’re telling her how much you like her and that you want a relationship. It’s obviously inappropriate,
and this is the response I got from her:
I don’t know what I should reply to these emails. Please, I ask of you to put the situation into perspective.
In other words, wake the fuck up dude.
We only went out for coffee once, and have been having some correspondence by mail, but nothing which explains why you should feel that we have every been that close or that may justify why you should feel as you do for me, as you cannot rationally care so much and so intimately for a person you barely know.
Obviously, you’re projecting your fantasy on her and having all of these visions in your head.
We have only been acquaintances, and this situation has not made me want to pursue it any further.
So in other words, she’s saying, lose my number dude.
I’m sorry for saying it this harshly,
It’s actually nice of her to reach out and say, get a clue, because most women would just ignore you. Or if you continue to persist, then they get a restraining order against you. You don’t continue to pursue and obsess like they do in the movies,
but I really don’t know what you would expect from me. I want to be kind to you, but you must also know how to act towards other people, and this has felt more like an intrusion than respectful behavior, which has caused strain on my relationship with my boyfriend,
If it’s causing a strain on the relationship with her boyfriend, that means she’s telling him about you because she loves and cares about him, he wants to know what’s going on and she’s a loyal woman. Obviously, you know she has a boyfriend, and you’re ignoring that fact, so come on dude.
She could be married, she could be in a relationship, she could be about to get married, and in the movies, you just tell her how much you like her, and she’ll go, “What an idiot I’ve been. Yeah, I’m just going to cancel the wedding. Let’s go live happily ever after, even though we’ve never been on one date.”
Keep in mind, these movies are usually written by the geeks that sat in the back of the class and never got laid when they were in high school. They have this fantasy, they saw it in another movie, they become screenwriters, and they perpetuate the same bullshit,
who I place above all others, as well.
In other words, my boyfriend is my rock, my mountain. I have a happy relationship, he is my man, so leave me the fuck alone, basically.
I don’t think it places me in any fair situation. I did trust that you understood what I had said when you said so, but this mail reflects that you don’t,
She even told you she had a boyfriend, but it kind of went right over your fucking head. It’s like, come on man,
as you clearly don’t understand my part in this. I’m sorry, Bob, but it cannot go on, and I urge that you move on from this, which in no way may be a desirable situation for you to be in. But I am not going to carry you out of it by engaging in a relationship with you, which I would not be able to do honestly, as I would not like to continue this relation due to the circumstances. I’m sorry, but you must respect this.
I wish you may find happiness and consolation.
(She’s saying, leave me the fuck alone, get a clue, I’m not interested. I have a boyfriend, this is totally disgusting behavior, and you need to cut it the fuck out.)
Corey, thank you for your insights so far. I am still hurting as a result of this;
I’m sure you are dude, but at the end of the day, that’s what happens when reality meets bullshit and delusion. You’re experiencing the pain. You were wrong. This is not appropriate behavior. You’ve seen too many fucking movies. It doesn’t work this way in the real world,
above is the email she sent, asking me to move on: I really don’t know what to make of it;
She’s saying, in a nice way, “Dude, fuck off and leave me alone. Don’t call me, don’t email me, don’t send me any gifts. It’s totally in appropriate, it’s not fair to me, my boyfriend doesn’t like it. You’re creating problems in my relationship, and you need to move the fuck on and live your life,
please your insight will be greatly appreciated.
Come on man, seriously. You don’t want to have her as a friend. You want to date and have a relationship with her. That’s fucking obvious. Let it go. Just be strong enough to say, “You know, this girl never reciprocated any interest. I’m not going to respond, I’m not going to reply. I’m going to start reading Corey’s book 10–15 times, and meeting and dating as many women as possible.” I mean, you’re young, you’re in college. This is the only time in your life when you’re going to be surrounded by beautiful, single women that are the same age as you and have the same goals, the same values. It’s a total target-rich environment.
Practice the things I teach in my book. Have fun, hook up, don’t get hung up on any women. Make sure the women you date reciprocate interest. It’s like a game of tennis. You’re not going to get the other person by turning the automatic tennis ball machine on high and shooting a thousand balls over the net in their direction.
There was another video I did several years ago from an older guy that had the same kind of thinking, called “Clueless, Creepy Stalker,” and I had to lower the boom on him as well, because he needed to learn the hard way. I know it was painful, it was not fun, but you just say, “I fucked up, it’s not right, it doesn’t work,” so cut it the fuck out dude.
Do you think I can still get her back as a friend in the first place, as I do not want to lose her completely?
Dude, you never had her to begin with. It’s an unhealthy attachment to want somebody who is not single, not available. Part of your thinking is, this is a way to avoid a relationship altogether, by being hung up on people that don’t want you and aren’t interested, because it’s easy and safe that way. You don’t really have to risk anything because, after all, she’s taken.
So, like I said, read the book 10–15 times, and start applying it. You’re young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Laugh about it, because one day you’ll look back at it and say, “I was totally fucking ridiculous.” You’ve just got to let it go. It’s unhealthy.
If your outcome is a relationship, then you need to get out there and date and practice the things that are in the book, because, quite frankly, your skills are not going to get any better if you keep going through life like this. You’re just going to get hung up on one unavailable chick after another, you’ll waste a tremendous amount of time, and emotionally, you’re going to be raking yourself over the coals. It’s like eating glass on purpose. Why would you want to do that?
“When it comes to potential romantic partners, it’s healthy to have an attitude that a person is either in or out. You deserve someone who has mutual romantic interest and enthusiasm towards the possibility of being your lover. Life is too short, and there are way too many romantic possibilities and choices than you could ever explore, experience or capitalize on. Therefore, continue circulating, seeking and extending romantic invitations to those you desire, and only spend your time and energy with people who value and appreciate it, and who reciprocate romantic interest. Getting hung up on someone who does not reciprocate romantic interest is demeaning to yourself, demonstrates a lack of self-love and leads to unhealthy attachments that prevent attracting the high quality partner you want and deserve.”
~ Coach Corey Wayne