What Does Fatherhood Mean To You?
Anybody can be a dad, but what does it mean to be a Father?
Anybody can father a child but it takes a real man to be a daddy
I reverse it because I both agree and disagree with the sentiment. My kids don’t call me “Father” in the same way Jane and Michael do in Mary Poppins. My daughter calls me “Daddy” and my son simply calls me “Dad”. It’s the 21st century after all.
But for me personally, the notion of fatherhood is different. It is a guild where a man, along with other men, have a common bond, an unspoken brotherhood in which we recognise that we have a common purpose. To lead our children in becoming the most well rounded, strongest, intelligent, and loving people possible.
I don’t need to influence my son to become a better footballer than I am or to become an entrepreneur and build the next groundbreaking innovative tech company. In the same way, my daughter doesn’t have to go to the Olympics, become a lawyer or a model. It’s not about what they “DO” in their future, but “who they are”.
The Roles Of A Father
N.B. Please do not take any of this as me imposing my ideals on fatherhood on you, this is my perspective.
Fatherhood requires a few roles to be played out at any given time. You can’t pick and choose which one you want to do either, it’s an instinct that takes you in any given moment to do what’s best for your child/children.
The influence of a Father shouldn’t be taken for granted, I’m a man who grew up without my dad but had many different “father figures” whom I could learn things from. I’ll never know what the difference would have been if my dad were in my life, but his absence allowed me to know what I didn’t want for my own kids and the lessons that I wanted to teach them coming from me and me alone.
Leader
A father is a leader, not a boss.
There are plenty of times when I tell my children what to do and I expect them to follow my requests. “Go have a shower, wash your plate, turn off the iPad, time for bed”. Telling is not leading them through example though.
To lead is to be the person that is an example for them to follow, because your children watch what you do, see how you behave and follow suit in their interactions with other people.
Being physically active is a part of my lifestyle and how I like to live, I also like for my children to see that and follow that example so they grow up to appreciate the benefits of good health. Sometimes my ego gets involved when I display how athletic and strong I can be but it’s not about showing off. It’s showing them what’s possible through being physically strong and in shape.
My daughter is an aspiring gymnast, so even though daddy can’t do the splits (I did once by accident, never again thanks). She loves that I can do the monkey bars at the park with her and that being strong is cool.
They have their own individual personality quirks of course, (my son has become a pre-teen gamer) but how you live your life in front of their eyes is how they start to build a picture of the world for themselves and how to live and behave in it, not just from the words that you tell them.
Your kids will hardly ever see you at work, so how do they know that you’re hard-working? They won’t see how smart you are just by showing them your old school reports or grades so how do you influence these aspects of their growth?
The Sage/Mentor
Being a father is much more than telling your kids what to do all the time. That’s just being a boss and how many of us really like when our bosses are on our cases, constantly telling us what to do and micromanaging every piece of work we produce?
The same goes for yelling, we can all raise our voice and lose patience but constant yelling just becomes noise. At the very least, there comes a point when your kids will zone out and it becomes “dad’s moaning about something again”.
Imagine Yoda and Luke Skywalker (If you’ve ever watched Star Wars), you could even look at Uncle Phil and Will Smith in The Fresh Prince or a more modern-day example would be Tony Stark & Spiderman in Captain America: Civil War, Avengers Infinity Wars and End Game movies (if you’ve not seen them, the end is emotional).
The father figures didn’t just tell their “sons” what to do, they guide them, and allow them the space to make mistakes, figure things out for themselves, grow into their responsibilities. Teaching lessons along the way, reviewing what may have gone wrong and the reason why allows the protege the opportunity to fix their mistakes or change course and when they’re ready. They can take off in their X-Wing and fly off into the galaxy.
Comic Relief
I’ve been known to pull faces at my daughter in the middle of a school assembly performance or gymnastics competition and I play fight with my kids all the time. Turning “Super Saiyan” to make them laugh and scream is good for them and for me.
Laughter is infectious and a child's laugh is the best sound in the world, so to be responsible for that, is to be responsible for their happiness too. Being stern and authoritative when necessary is a given but as I’ve said before, it’s not about being a boss. Lighten up and they’ll shine in your presence too.
By nature, mothers are more caring, methodical, and serious in the sense of taking care of the small things. Fathers have the luxury to be a serious parent and a silly parent. Maybe it’s a maturity thing or maybe it’s just our nature but it’s one of the roles you need to play to make your child smile.
It doesn’t matter if I’m a Super Saiyan, The Tickle Monster, or singing to Frozen 2 in public. It’s a non-negotiable role of fatherhood.
The Guild Of Fatherhood
My group of friends isn’t the biggest but the majority of us have kids (or stepchildren). I’m glad to know that just about all of my friends hold similar values not just when it comes to fatherhood but life in general too.
We have discussions and share ideas on situations and current events and though I don’t see them often, I can always get an opinion or check in with my brothers.
Something I believe more fathers would benefit from is a community, we come together to support our football teams, go on a lads holiday or even just go out raving together once in a while. But when do we come together as fathers? We have the phrase mother’s meetings, but I believe that we need to link up more regularly as fathers? To come together as men and teach our sons and daughters?
This is a new age and the old rules to fatherhood no longer apply and I’m glad. I’d hate for my kids to want to avoid me because I’ve been a moody cantankerous fool or never showed them emotion all in the name of “being tough".
Our kids need our strength, our example, and more importantly, our presence.
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