When you don’t know who you will be today
Talking about pain, sadness, loss and love is definitely not easy. It is even harder to find the right people to share with. Everyone else seems to be flying through life while you are just left behind in the dust of the storm that changed your life and crushed your dreams. Nothing hurts like a broken heart. No matter how many times this has been said and written, each time it feels more real, true and harder to accept. Yet we have to live through it each day, facing the world, facing ourselves and our biggest fears.
Every day when I wake up I hate myself more than yesterday, I pray for the pain to go away, I hope to disappear into a void where nothing can reach me. When I look into the mirror, I pause for a minute and see myself splitting into two people, me in pain and me watching the other one. Do you know how different they are?
Me in pain : Why am I still alive? What has happened to my life? Where has my smile disappeared? What is hurting me so bad that I cannot move an inch? Is there anyone out there who cares if I drop dead this very moment? What is the easiest way to kill myself? Why did I love? Why did I lose? Why can’t I stop loving? Why am I moving backwards in time? When will I ever find happiness? Why is the sun not shining today? Does it mean today I shall be depressed again? Will I not enjoy doing anything today?
Me watching : Why is the other guy so sad? He wasn’t like this before. He has dreams, a family who loves him, and a heart capable of being good. He used to laugh, to eat, to read, to enjoy his solitude. He is wasting his life for someone to whom he does not exist anymore. Why does he replay his past every minute and let it kill him from inside. He must be knowing better than to just feel sorry for himself. I don’t tell him to forget and move on because I know its easier said than done. But I am worried I will lose him forever to this pain he is inflicting upon himself. Why is he so ungrateful when he has everything he needs to live? I taught him to love with all his heart, I told him that love is the only thing that matters in this world. How do I tell him its not his fault that he lost? He is so far into the abyss that I cannot reach him, yet I don’t want to give up on him. He should not look for happiness from anyone else when it is all inside him. Why can’t he be like me? I am happy, I am confident, I am hopeful, I can provide for myself and I don’t expect anything from anyone.
How the rest of every day goes depends on who I become every morning. I wish for the power to chose, to question nothing, to expect nothing, to be one, to be myself. I will move, I will face the world come what may and I will one day be me again.