I came out at work last week…

…as someone with major depression.

I came out at work last week as having major depression. Despite it being a rather conservative company, it might have been easier to come out as LGBT. Being gay doesn’t affect your productivity, but being depressed does. Every. Single. Day.

I figured it was time to own up to it finally. If I can post repeatedly about Robin Williams and getting rid of the stigma around mental illness, then I should stop being a hypocrite and admit my own problems. Being in the middle of a pretty bad depressive episode helped nudge me along towards disclosure. I was missing another day of work and I had to explain the blown deadlines, the tardiness, and the lack of focus, so why not try the truth?

I’ve been fighting depression for over two decades. Telling the truth about it hasn’t ever really been a forte of mine. The depression started in high school, but I didn’t seek real treatment for it until after college. I muddled through school somehow, but in no way was my education unaffected by it. Luckily, the Web was just taking off when I graduated from college and I’ve been working as a web developer since. Just like with my major, I can’t say that I enjoy it, but I can’t say that I enjoy anything.

I often think how my depression is so minor compared to others. People who have seen real trauma, like war, kidnapping, or abuse. How can I complain when I’ve never experienced anything like that? I’m just some web developer. “You should stop complaining and get back to work,” the depression says, because that’s one way of how it keeps you trapped. “Your problems aren’t really worth being depressed about, so why don’t you be depressed about that instead? How’d you like that?” Around and around it goes. It’s exhausting.

Then I think, well, my life isn’t exactly wine and roses. Both my sons have been diagnosed with Asperger’s and my oldest is debilitated by severe anxiety about school. My wife is seriously, seriously ill. I’m under tremendous pressure at home and at work. I let people into the details of my home life and their response is often three letters: WTF. So maybe I do have some valid reasons to be depressed, but acknowledging that also doesn’t provide any solace. It’s just… another brick in my load.

I came out last week at work as someone with major depression and it’s been okay. You can too.