My holiday brag letter
My dad sends out holiday brag letters without consulting anyone. He just writes what he wants, and sends them out to God knows who. This year, my family confronted him via Facetime on an iPad because that’s a legitimate way to confront people these days.
We told him that we were onto him and knew he used a template to write the letters. He didn’t deny it and even admitted that he basically just changes a few words every year. My mom couldn’t believe his audacity and resented being painted as…whatever he painted her as. I wasn’t really paying attention because I was more concerned with what he was getting wrong about me. I think hers had to do with drinking wine and cooking good food and basically enjoying life. How dare he? Where does he get the nerve?
I told my family that we should all write our own Christmas brag letters in a competitive spirit. Everyone on our mailing list should get four letters that offer no consistency or reliance on facts. That’s the only way to solve this kind of problem in a post-truth world.
Last year, my letter that I only sent out via email to a few select friends included gems like:
The year started in Australia, where I kicked off sales of my new invention, the personal portable air conditioner, in Melbourne for the Australian Open. These provided welcome relief to tennis fans. Unfortunately, the hole in the ozone layer meant they still had scalding sunburns through their hats into their scalps. I want to be clear that I never said I was going to solve that problem. The company performed well on the stock market regardless, probably because of Putin’s endorsement and, irony aside, his fantastic ad where he used one of these devices at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics.
From there, I headed to Bali where I studied hip-hop ballet fusion under a former student of Baryshnikov’s. It turned out they needed me for a show that was happening in Java, so I rescheduled my book tour to make it happen. Our silent dance revival of Our Town was called inventive and spectacular by the Java Sun. Jay-Z is talking about using footage of it in one of his upcoming music videos.
Holiday brag letters are time to let your creativity and imagination run wild. Tell the world exactly what makes you and your family great. Do not let facts cloud your judgment. This is your time to shine!
I hope my letter for this year inspires you.
Rachel Bird’s 2016 Holiday Brag Letter
Dearest loyal subjects,
I’m happy to report that my venture capital firm, FSV, invested in an app called Spin the Bottle for Startups. It’s not important what it is. All you need to know is that it’s experiencing explosive growth and looking like it’s going to IPO before the end of next year. Very exciting.
I purchased a yacht but it didn’t fit my helicopter the way I wanted, and it was sort of a pain to be forced to enjoy it with staff on board. I couldn’t get the privacy I was looking for. I’m sure you know how frustrating that can be. I ended up donating it to a service called Donate Your Yacht Online Today! and got a great write-off, so it ended up being a win-win.
I’ve been working with a legal team that drew up a strong case for my ownership of Mars. The planet remains unclaimed and people are purchasing stars, so it’s time for me to lay claim to what is rightfully mine, namely any planet I want. Why not? I’ve worked hard and I deserve it. You’re probably saying, “Why not just settle for the moon?” Oh come on. That’s basically the ghetto of our solar system. Don’t insult me. I’m not going to bore you with the details but long story short, we’re working on an appeal. I am also trying to lubricate the situation by assuring Elon Musk that he will likely be named first Emperor of Mars as soon as I get my ducks in a row.
My husband is doing a great job taking care of the kids and our dear dog Shrimpo while I’m out making miracles happen. The kids are doing well at their Waldorf school, and we make sure they have plenty of soy-free, gluten-free, GMO-free, paleo vegan food around to munch on. Because that’s what winners eat. When we travel as a family, we call it the Whole Foods shuffle because we hop from one Whole Foods to another. I don’t know what my daughter saw on TV, but now she likes to go around the store and angrily ask people, “Do you even know who I am?” I just laugh. Kids say the darndest things.
From ours to yours, Happy Holidays!
Rachel and family