Baby Peanut

I feel like every day I don’t see her update online I lose a little piece of myself. She was so important to me, and she still is. I want to see what she looks like. Is she babbling yet? What color are her eyes? How much hair does she have?

Flashbacks of pregnancy flood my brain at the most inopportune times. Like when I’m awake int he middle of the night. Or when I’m in bed in the morning trying to wake up. Or when I’m sitting in the middle of class.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I so wish I did. It’s miserable and lonely living in a world with just my boyfriend and I. There’s no one to comfort us save for each other. I need someone who understands the pain that I feel. The heartbreak that radiates through my entire body and centralizes in my chest right around my heart.

I sit in class, my mind off in its own world. Reliving situations from the past that I can’t have back. The good times and the bad times. It was all to bring my little girl into the world.

The morning sickness was horrendous. The heartburn made me want to cry. But I loved feeling the butterfly kicks. And the belly rubs that put me to sleep were so wonderful. Looking at names online left me with ideas for future children.

She was the most precious thing I had ever seen. I wanted to keep her tiny, blanket-wrapped body cradled in my arms forever. It felt right to hold her against my heart so close. She was finly where I could see her and kiss her head and look at her face when I told her I loved her. And I didn’t want to lose that.

The pangs of loneliness and pain just remind me that I did the right thing. She deserves the life that I allowed her to have through adoption. I love her in a way that no one else ever can.